04.08.08

Area Hospital Gets Creative in an Attempt to Provide Affordable Healthcare:
Welcome to 'The Cafemorgue'
Lunch & Dinner - 11am to 8pm
Autopsies - 8:30pm to 3am

04.07.08

For reals!
I think the neon gable totally complements the asphalt shingles… kind of like how a stripper is a nice accessory to a 5” clear Lucite platform heeled shoe. All sorts of klassy.

04.04.03

If you look close you can see what I like to call "The Essence of Mustache."

Yup. That's all she wrote this week.
Have a nice weekend.

04.03.08

In a side-by-side comparison, 4 out of 5 people found more artistic value in Sara Jessica Parker’s chin mole than today’s photo.

04.02.08

So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Carne asada? Interesting.

04.01.08

RH: Its April Fool's Day
FOP: Mmmm hmmm…
RH: I stole the ashes of my bosses dead grandmother.
FOP: How original of you…
RH: Gear Room's full. Where should I put them?
FOP: I’d bet she’d like the laundry ro... I mean "Wine Cellar."

03.31.08

2 things I realized today:

1. I'm pretty much done with winter.
2. I don't know what the words scintilla and unmitigated mean

03.28.08

I knew today was going to be an AWESOME day when the first words spoken to me at 6:30 this morning were:

“Hey, yeah, um, you know what time the Beer Cave opens?”

Have a nice weekend Y’all.

03.27.08

AHEM! I am the gatekeeper here!
Pursuant to Bovine code 12-196231a-12c, to gain admittance to Beta Quadrant Sector 14 in Sector Block 55, you must display your teats to me.

Well, I'm waiting...
What do you mean you haven’t any teats?
No, you can’t talk to my supervisor!

03.26.08

Uh...
Clark! Shitter's Full!

03.25.08

1985: A Golden Moment with the Silverfox

FOP: Hey dad, why do we have to plant all these trees?
SLFX: Because ‘he who plants a tree, plants hope’… and also, in a few years, I’ll have something to beat you with when break your curfew. Now be a dear and go get the stump grinder.

03.24.08

I kid you not,
I think my left buttcheek just mutated in to a Yellow Marshmallow Peep.
OINK!

03.21.08

Killing slugs, preventing goiters and making fries spectacular since 1924.

03.20.08

Honestly, I think we should be asking candidates the hard-hitting questions like,
“WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO COLD FUSION?”

03.19.08

I was informed by an official government employee that he “waited” at work an additional 15 minutes in anticipation of a witty caption to accompany yesterdays photo and was “totally let down”.

Now, I am very aware that “waiting” is an elite assignment awarded to our nations most highly trained individuals, and I realize that those precious moments could have been spent Googling “midget farts”, researching “hobo mating rituals” or taking advantage of a "mandatory smoke break". So please, accept my sincerest apology for adding that additional .25 hours to your already strenuous 3.75 hr workday and for “totally letting you down.”

03.18.08

It is a little known fact that everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That's why no one messes with Switzerland.
(sorry)

03.17.08

WARNING:
According to the Ladyfox, you will poop a leprechaun 3 hours after ingesting.

03.14.08

Hmm. Have I berated anyone for their inferior socioeconomic status today? No? Here hold my astonishing bulging billfold, I think I spot an unsavory chap over there.

03.13.08

I fought the log and the log won.

03.12.08

Ripped from the headlines:
1 in 4 teen girls has an STD!!!

Alternately, 3 out of 4 teen girls have “really great personalities.”

And on a totally unrelated note…

03.11.08

Aw hell…
I said JUNGLE!
I WANT TO BE KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!
Not KING OF THE GIFTBAGS!!!!
What? No, tissue paper doesn’t say “ferocious”!
This is awful…

03.10.08

NOTE TO SELF:
When speaking of the Monster Truck Shows, as I often do, don’t colorfully refer to them as “Motorized Professional Wrestling”… or someone might "accidentally" mess up your lawn.


SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!!

03.07.08

Okay everyone gather ‘round! I’m going to show you what Marie Osmond taught me on the set of “Dancing with the Stars.”

03.06.08

FOP: Hey, it’s the Ladyfox’s birthday! Are you doing anything?
SLFX: Yup! We’re going to renew our COSTCO membership… and maybe get some of them samples.
FOP: …
SLFX: Um, So, you think I should call ahead and see if there’s going any of them Hot Dog Bagels, she really likes those.
FOP: …

03.05.08

POP QUIZ!!!
This popular urban custom indicates:

a. Brett Favre retired; Patrick Swazye has 5 weeks to live.
b. Its "wake up time" for pilots of low flying aircraft.
c. Amy Winehouse deals...uh "lives" 2 streets over.
d. Payless™ is having another BOGO Sale.
e. All of the above

03.04.08

Although a tad pretentious, the new lighting in my office definitely makes my pecs look bigger.

03.03.08

It’s probably nothing… But I think your kid just ate the entire stash of Space Cakes in the company break room.*

*And oddly enough her mother does work here... so that passive aggressive sign on the fridge doesn't apply!

02.29.08

How to make someone (more specifically, myself) piddle their pants at 87mph.

02.28.08

Frozen Worms! Its what’s for dinner…
Again.

02.07.08

It doesn’t get more spectacular than this…
I mean if there were a few TownHomes, starting in the the low $200s of course, and an IKEA, it would be better… but overall, you know, its not bad.

02.26.08

HOT & READY!
Papa Silverfox™ home of the $2 box of wine and the $24 pizza.

02.25.08

Anyone know where I can pick up a flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts of power?

02.22.08

Sometimes a bit of color in the old tenement makes the price-gouging, domestic disputes, smell of raw sewage and shared bathrooms bearable.

02.21.08

A Moment of Science:
I know a dude who grows this stuff in his bathtub… and also, he has heated toilet water (100°C).

02.20.08

An ancient American legend promises that anyone who unfolds one thousand origami napkin cranes will be granted an overpriced dinner… and piss off at least 3 of the waiters.

02.19.08

RH: I have to run 3 miles for work.
FOP: Is this one of those Continuing Legal Education things?
RH: Everyone will see my sweet running shoes!!
FOP: “From Lawyer to Track Star: Personal Injury Law in a Nutshell” HA!
RH: How long do you think 3 miles will take?
FOP: You could probably pull it off in 30 minutes.
RH: That’s a 7-minute mile! That’s pretty fast.
FOP: …
RH: What?
FOP: I can’t believe you make more money than me.

02.18.08

Due to a ocular strain of the Ebola virus*, accompanied by a weekend quarantine, I ain’t got nuthin. Oh and also, if you are the president and you happen to read this, your doin' a bang-up job. You make all the other presidents jealous. No Really, you do!! Have a super-fantastic day.

* Yes, I have pictures. NO, I won’t show you.

02.14.08

With this box of candy you are telling me you want to hear my perspectives on such intimate topics as foreign policy, politics and the current economic climate… it also implies you like it when I incessantly ask you “What are you thinking about?”

02.13.08

GOD: I’ve been thinking, and there aren’t enough douchebags walking the earth.
FOP: Hmmm? Are you sure? Look at all those cyclists in their tight pants on their expensive bikes.
GOD: True, but I think I’ll invent “skate skiing” for good measure.

02.12.08

Warren Miller once said,
“You can't get hurt skiing; unless you fall.”

Not to be out done by John Madden who said,
“Hey Al, you ever kick a bag of bolts? BOOM!”

02.11.08

Horizon? We don't need no stinkin' horizon!!!!!

02.08.08

“How to Get Your Money’s Worth”
Featuring the Silverfox

FOP: Hey. Nice sweatsuit, are you going to workout?
SFX: No, just getting ready to have a glass of wine.
FOP: Are you sure there’s enough?
SFX: HA! Do cows give milk?
FOP: Maybe you should stretch or something
SFX: I am an expert when it comes to this.
FOP: Well, try not to pull anything like last time.
SFX: Have you seen my favorite glass?

02.07.08

Hi! Yes, please have a seat. I will now entertain you with something called a “Yo Mama!" joke. Are you familiar with them?

02.06.08

All Violators Will Be Snowed

Badump Ching!

02.05.08

NEW & IMPROVED!
The Emo Knife™ SET ONLY $19.99
Since knives are one of the most important tools in your sad sad life, its important to invest in quality. These Emo Knives™ will never lose their edge. They will never dull and they have a lifetime guarantee. The right set of knives will help chop and slice more efficiently, leaving you more time to reflect on why you are too fat to fit in your girl pants. Look like a pro with Emo Knives™. The comfort grip handle allows for maximum usability. The razor sharp blades will never dull no matter how many things you slice, carve, dice, or cut.
SUPPLIES LIMITED! Order before its too late!

02.04.08

Did you make the Ground Hog Day party this weekend?

Hells yeah. It was off the hook dogg.

Doode, I heard Phil was totally wasted.

Man, my boy was rippin’ it up on the dance floor. Couple shots and he’s all getting’ down with his bad-self.

Speaking of, has anybody seen Phil lately?

Uh, last time I saw him he was “Bringing Sexy Back” allover the front lawn…

02.01.08

Hey you! HEY! Yeah you!
Quit pooping on my window!

01.31.08

We should probably stop and get wiper fluid.
We don’t need wiper fluid.
I dunno, looks like it might snow, and..
We don’t need wiper fluid.
You know just to be on the safe…
WE DON’T NEED WIPER FLUID ALL RIGHT!

01.29.08

If you have two eyes*, close one and squint with the other, and magically it will appear as though the inside lights go to the outside… and also, your coworkers will think you are creepy.

*For those of you with one eye… well you can close it, its kind of a sucky picture anyway.

01.28.08

UPDATE: Campaign ‘08
3 Kennedy’s say they "endorse Barack Obama for president!"
The remaining Kennedy’s are “pretty sure he stole their ‘good’ booze.”