04.30.08

Dear Guy on Treadmill in Front of Me-

Great weekend huh? Nice weather. Did a little yard work, caught a few rays did ya? I see you got burnt a bit? I'm sure it will turn in to a tan when the blisters pop. Hey, in the meantime, you know when you forget to Thompson Waterseal your hairy back, could you not wear a tank top in public? Honestly its like watching a man with leprosy run a 10k. STRIPS OF YOUR SKIN IS FLOATING EVERYWHERE!!! Anyhoo, I don't mean to be rude.

Have a nice day.
FOP

04.29.08

FRESH SUSHI. U-PICK! SO GOOD!
One on left just ate couch. One on right ate wife.
Cash only. No returns, exchanges, refunds.
Have happy days.

04.28.08

FOP: I have a flat tire.
RH: Are you sure its flat.
FOP: ... traffic screams by
RH: You need to learn to swerve better.
FOP: You’d probably swerve into a semi to avoid hitting road kill.
RH: Yes.
FOP: Dead animals can’t pop your tire.
RH: If it died because it ate a nail it could.
FOP: … Touché.

04.25.08

The only thing remotely entertaining I heard today:
"I used my REI dividend not on something new but rather, to replace my Chacos."

Have a nice weekend y'all! Don't go losing your Chacos.

04.24.08

This sucks. We’re headed into the playoffs and like, half my Fantasy Fooseball team is out with a severe case of syphilis. This sucks.
I’m so pissed!

04.23.08

Sooooo anyway, I was sitting there waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his white stallion when… What? Of course I believe in "that sort of thing."

Yes, this was at a gas station, thanks for asking.

04.22.08

Hey Hippies! Happy Earth Day!
Way to be environmentally responsible. No really, that whole “Go Green” thing, BRILLIANT! We totally respect what you’re doing out there. It’s so SUPER! Honestly, with out y’all, we’d have nothing to urban sprawl on. Keep up the good work.

04.21.08

Compound life got you down?*
Has wearing jeans beneath your modest yet practical polyester blend pioneer dress become a bit mundane? Does that good-for-nothing, patriarch of a husband keep marrying off your babies? Tired of self-righteous sister-wives getting’ all up in you grill? If you’re ready to let your hair down and get your drink on with some Gentiles give us a call.


*Its probably just as well I wasn't the Creative Director on this one.

04.18.07

¡gracias y te quiero!
NO, thank you, for providing endless hours of fine programming from Telemundo, Televisa, Univision and The CW in crystal clear reception.

04.17.08

I knew my afternoon would be awesome when I came back from lunch and found someone had used my computer to Google “predator braids.”

04.16.08

ex pong facto
Subsequent to receiving a Juris Doctor, law school graduates are required to participate in a state or provincial table tennis competition in order to practice law. This multi-state Ping Pong Tournament is a crucial component of the bar examination in almost all United States jurisdictions. Although seemingly innocuous, bloodshed and uncouth comments concerning opponents warm-up suits are highly probable.
I will now use the words scintilla and res judicata to reinforce the fact my intellect is far superior to yours. Good Day!

04.15.08

$1999 OBO
• Chip resistant windshields
• Fresh! Sheep skin seat covers. You sheer.
• E-Z Detachable Engine Block™ Great for pesky girlfriends*

* chain not included.

04.14.08

AN AFTERNOON AT THE CHEVRON

FOP: Drinking diet beverage* while examining nutrition value of Poptart

GAS STATION CASHIER: OH MY HECK!!!!

FOP: Makes attempt to duck behind jerky display to avoid impending gunfire.

GSC: I KNOW YOU!!! Pointing ferociously

FOP: Racks brain for last time hung out with 75lb, toothless meth-head.

GSC: WE WENT TO PRISON TOGETHER!!!!

FOP: Uh… I had detention in 7th grade once. Sorry.

GSC: Yeah I guess you wouldn’t be sprung yet anyway. 15 more years at least.

FOP: Yikes!


*Yup, thats a picture of back wash.

04.11.08

Area 8th Graders Learn Witty Coping Techniques in Anger Management Class.

This is my submission to WTFsigns.com. You should submit an entry too and you could get a treat.

04.10.08

JUST ARRIVED!
HIGH QUALITY HOBO PIMP STICK!
Affordable to all da HoboPimps WORLDWIDE!
Perfect for your right and left hand, or as a gift. Provides stability and decreases staggering so that your CRUNK CUP will overflowth with only the illest, most potent of juice... Ideal for roasting hot dogs. Looks great with burlap. Smells like beans!

LIMITED SUPPY, YA DIG?


Can I say pimpstick?
Anyhoo.

04.09.08

Meet me between 6 & 7 and I’ll show you a petrified hotdog, some cheap weed and a banana clip.

04.08.08

Area Hospital Gets Creative in an Attempt to Provide Affordable Healthcare:
Welcome to 'The Cafemorgue'
Lunch & Dinner - 11am to 8pm
Autopsies - 8:30pm to 3am

04.07.08

For reals!
I think the neon gable totally complements the asphalt shingles… kind of like how a stripper is a nice accessory to a 5” clear Lucite platform heeled shoe. All sorts of klassy.

04.04.03

If you look close you can see what I like to call "The Essence of Mustache."

Yup. That's all she wrote this week.
Have a nice weekend.

04.03.08

In a side-by-side comparison, 4 out of 5 people found more artistic value in Sara Jessica Parker’s chin mole than today’s photo.

04.02.08

So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Carne asada? Interesting.

04.01.08

RH: Its April Fool's Day
FOP: Mmmm hmmm…
RH: I stole the ashes of my bosses dead grandmother.
FOP: How original of you…
RH: Gear Room's full. Where should I put them?
FOP: I’d bet she’d like the laundry ro... I mean "Wine Cellar."