11.30.07

Knowing that by paying my state taxes I will put food in these guys mouths*, makes me feel like a better person. Identities have been manipulated to protect the innocent.

* yes, that’s a cookie and yes, I realize it’s not technically in his mouth.

11.29.07

The other day, I met this doode named Charlie who stayed awake for 168 hours... straight, AND ate nothing but human fingers!

11.28.07

A Tribute:
"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal… People know me.”
Teleprompters will shine a little less bright tonight as two (count them) TWO, area television anchors simultaneously retire after reading the news to us for 20+ years. While most of the community yawns, I would like to commemorate this day with a few fond memories. I‘ll always cherish the time I saw one of you buying underwear and Dinty Moore Stew at the Walmart. Farewell old friend. And also, the time one of you hit on me at the gym in your little spandex tights and short shirt… Goodnight sweet prince.
You two stay classy…

11.27.07

SALES REPRESENTATIVE FOR POPULAR TOP 40 RADIO STATION: Hi. Nice to finally meet you. Uh, has any one told you your looks don't match your phone voice?

ME: …

SRFPT4RS: It’s just well I thought you'd look different. Jollier? Maybe a bit more Sir-Mix-Alot style?

ME: …

SRFPT4RS: Little in the middle…? Itty bitty waist… round thing in your face? Ahem, A little plumper, you know?

ME: …

11.26.07

I Can't Believe It's not APPLE... BALONEY!
As far as I’m concerned, “The Fleecing of America”… it all started with the guy who invented "apple" flavoring.
Case in point... the Green "Apple" Jolley Rancher. I know this taste is not "apple", yet when I taste anything with a similar flavor i refer to it as APPLE! (i.e. carmel apple suckers, green laffytaffy, sour apple rings etc.)

11.22.07

Um, you look like you ran into a freaking wall.

Um, THANKS, You look like you're trying to reincarnate Tammy Faye.

Thanks

11.21.07

Doooooooode.
You guys, look what I found in the yams! I think they are getting back at us for the old “small pox in the blanket” joke! Huh? What? Why am I riding a Turkey? Oh, well, they said second only to the Mayflower, the turkey is the superior form of transportation in the New World.

11.20.07

Nothing to see here... move along.

11.19.07

Weekend Report:
HOW I MAY HAVE DISAPPOINTED THE SILVERFOX IN THE PAST 48 HOURS.
While simultaneously proving I am, in fact, the Ladyfox’s daughter.

Declared White Zombie to rock infinitely harder than the Rolling Stones.

Shouted “Incontinent Whore!”… in a quiet restaurant.

Wore a bikini… with sequins… and fringe... Did i mention it was white?

Increased credit limit... from $500 to $1500

Talked to a boy… with tattoos... and nipple ring...Did i mention we were in a hot tub?

11.16.07

Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum!

11.15.07

Dear Mr. Almost Ex President Gore,

I BELIEVE you invented the internet! AND, I totally understood it when you said "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." I don't think your lisp makes you seem effeminate...I don't think it's technically even a lisp... really. Um, anyway, I was just wondering if you'd come up with a cure for that whole global warming thing. Let me know.

Sincerely,
Mr. What the HECK its the Middle of November!!!

11.14.07

Yes, "Mr. Piano Pants" is a very clever name.
No, I will not "tickle your ivories."

11.13.07

Ahhhhhh little grasshopper...
Head too close to lens make for blurry face!

11.12.07

Oh hey, hows it going... Wha? No I won't neglect my babies while doing a line of cocaine off that Cheeto bag and slamming a Red-bull-mochachino... I think the girl your looking for lives 2 streets over... No worries, man... yeah I'll look for you on YouTube. Good luck!

11.09.07

A Wedding Exposé:
It's not often you are able to capture the exact moment the bride informs a guest that there is, in fact, an open bar.

11.08.07

I SAW YOU...

you: picking a scab and looking at the new Magic the Gathering Cards.
me: finishing a Mensa workout and buying a 12 sided die.

you infiltrated my heart. let's meet up and exchange strategies

Sorry kids, you may have to click on the photo to enjoy the sneaky photography.

11.07.07

I don't know if you guys know, I mean I just found out myself, but ER, the original doctor show, is STILL on TV... AND UNCLE JESSE* is a Paramedic/Medical Student/Gulf War Veteran.
Have Mercy!!


*Clarification: This Uncle Jesse not this Uncle Jesse

11.06.07

I think if The Terminator had a pet cat, that was also a cyborg, and it hacked up a fur ball, this is probably what it would look like.

11.05.07

I'm just saying that the hula girl and beenie babies are going to be a little pissed about their view being obstructed...

11.02.07

Hey man, thats some nice junk, in your trunk... You remember that one time I had junk in my trunk? I mean, i never had any thing as cool as a... uh is that a toilet? Anyway, right now i only have a 36 pack of Diet Pepsi back there, but you know all in due time.

Have nice weekend Y'all! Toot, toot!

11.01.07

3 Things I like:

Work. I know weird. But for the most part I enjoy my job.
Gym. There is a special place in my heart for treadmills, and TVs with cable.
Pictures. I like taking pictures of crap... Some you see, most you don't. They remind me that if you take the time to notice, there's some cool stuff out there.

With that...

Dear Gobblin who "Trunk-or-Treated" out of my car last night at the gym:

1. May I have the key to my office back... it appears your career path doesn't require a key, or for that matter an office.

2. 90% of my diet comes from a gas station. The gym isn't a luxury it's a necessity. If I need to call in a favor from Blackwater so I can work out, I will.

3. I hope you and your meth-head friends have fun taking pictures of each other... picking your scabs or whatever it is ya'll do.

My only question why not take the 36 pack of diet pepsi?

Watch your back,
FOPHQ