09.28.07

A Weekend Tip:
In the event you find yourself taking a field sobriety test, pick a focal point just beyond the “walk & turn” destination.

Happy Weekend.

09.27.07

As I sat there, watching the stars pierce evening’s twilight, I thought to myself… Who the hell is Hannah Montana?

09.26.07

It is here, in this very spot, where I realized... After graduating, I would probably never really use calculus... or that joke about Adam Smith and "the invisible hand".

09.25.07

You want a what?
Oooooh, well, in order to get a raise you must:

• Pick up my laundry
  
• Awe at my rambling platitudes
  
• Do the ceremonial “Gimme a Raise Dance”
  
• Brush my tupee
  
• Be a man

Toot! Toot!

09.24.07

"Does my breath smell funny?"

"If by 'funny', you mean a helper monkey just licked the bottom of the trash can next to Space Mountain and then crawled in your mouth and died? Then yes, your breath smells 'funny'.

09.21.07

Barnyard Week: DAY #5
To celebrate the end of Barnyard Week™ (and what a week it was don’t you think?) I will be giving unicorn rides to midgets!

09.20.07

Barnyard Week: DAY #4 (Don't worry kids, it's almost over!)
Hello, Mr.Vick? Yes, we just wanted to say we really like what you’ve done for the industry. Attendance/transaction volumes have increased tenfold since your indictment! Um, anyway…uh, me and the guys were wondering if you’d entertain the idea of transferring your talents to a different albeit comparable arena?
Um yeah, well let me know... Naw man, you keep the nuggets.

09.19.07

Barnyard Week: Day #3
Hey remember when I was 8, and I had a mullet and a llama?
Remember when I’d walk that llama down some busy street in New York City… ALONE?
And remember how I used to sing the grammatically incorrect song “Me and My Llama”?
Oh and remember that one time I took the llama to the dentist, where a grown man poked at its teeth, like it was totally normal for a barn animal to be tromping around a dental office?


Yeah, that was freaking nuts.

09.18.07

Barnyard Week: DAY #2
Brother-cousin Donnie, used to call them GoatTards, cuz they done went toes up every time Uncle-dad Leroy would start the Powerstroke. Come to find out, despite his own genetic shortcomings, he was pretty accurate in his classification.

09.17.07

Barnyard Week: Day #1
In a recent test market for a revolutionary single-serving pork product, Carl’s Jr. Inc., reports that 3 of 4 consumers found the product name “A Taste of Hamlet” less offensive than “My Rump. My Rump. My Honey Roasted Lump”.

09.14.07

"Your astronomical model is freaking incredible! But aren’t there eight planets in our solar system?"

"HA! HA! That’s just your opinion man. I got these instructions from Wikipedia!"

09.13.07

Oh my heck you guys!
I found the perfect place to relocate my unicorn farm!

09.12.07

HOLY NUTS!!!
This month marks 2 years of mediocre, second-rate, b-team photography!
That’s over 500 pictures of stuff!!!
NOW GIMME SOME MONEY!

09.11.07

Pursuant to Environmental Code: 41-1a-1211 Section 58-20a-302, a strip mall anchored by a big box retailer must erected on said premises within next 90 days or you can expect to endure sizable financial penalties.

09.10.07

Look at this picture, while I mentally recuperate from driving 600 miles in 24 hours, with a man who suffers from chronic verbal diarrhea.

09.07.07

Official beverage of the 2007 State Fair, hoss.

I'm oft ta go lick me some butter sculpture!

09.06.07

In a recent poll, 4 out of 5 women admitted to having this tattooed on their lower back between 1993 and 1997.

And in other news…
Flat.
Buns.
I like flat buns.
Flat.
Buns.
I like flat buns.

For the love, PLEASE make it stop!!

09.05.07

In an effort to thwart rural beatification legislation, squatters protest the demolition of local hangout/brothel. Resident Johnny Noteeth lisped, “I think it adds character to the area’s skyline, and gives me a safe place to hide my weed!”

09.04.07

I LOVE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!
Sure, I’ll admit I’m a wee-bit sheltered.
But honestly, I can’t be the only one who thinks this is totally awesome… can I?

09.03.07

THESE COLORS DON’T RUN…
They RIDE…
And reek of spiced patchouli.