03.31.08

2 things I realized today:

1. I'm pretty much done with winter.
2. I don't know what the words scintilla and unmitigated mean

03.28.08

I knew today was going to be an AWESOME day when the first words spoken to me at 6:30 this morning were:

“Hey, yeah, um, you know what time the Beer Cave opens?”

Have a nice weekend Y’all.

03.27.08

AHEM! I am the gatekeeper here!
Pursuant to Bovine code 12-196231a-12c, to gain admittance to Beta Quadrant Sector 14 in Sector Block 55, you must display your teats to me.

Well, I'm waiting...
What do you mean you haven’t any teats?
No, you can’t talk to my supervisor!

03.26.08

Uh...
Clark! Shitter's Full!

03.25.08

1985: A Golden Moment with the Silverfox

FOP: Hey dad, why do we have to plant all these trees?
SLFX: Because ‘he who plants a tree, plants hope’… and also, in a few years, I’ll have something to beat you with when break your curfew. Now be a dear and go get the stump grinder.

03.24.08

I kid you not,
I think my left buttcheek just mutated in to a Yellow Marshmallow Peep.
OINK!

03.21.08

Killing slugs, preventing goiters and making fries spectacular since 1924.

03.20.08

Honestly, I think we should be asking candidates the hard-hitting questions like,
“WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO COLD FUSION?”

03.19.08

I was informed by an official government employee that he “waited” at work an additional 15 minutes in anticipation of a witty caption to accompany yesterdays photo and was “totally let down”.

Now, I am very aware that “waiting” is an elite assignment awarded to our nations most highly trained individuals, and I realize that those precious moments could have been spent Googling “midget farts”, researching “hobo mating rituals” or taking advantage of a "mandatory smoke break". So please, accept my sincerest apology for adding that additional .25 hours to your already strenuous 3.75 hr workday and for “totally letting you down.”

03.18.08

It is a little known fact that everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That's why no one messes with Switzerland.
(sorry)

03.17.08

WARNING:
According to the Ladyfox, you will poop a leprechaun 3 hours after ingesting.

03.14.08

Hmm. Have I berated anyone for their inferior socioeconomic status today? No? Here hold my astonishing bulging billfold, I think I spot an unsavory chap over there.

03.13.08

I fought the log and the log won.

03.12.08

Ripped from the headlines:
1 in 4 teen girls has an STD!!!

Alternately, 3 out of 4 teen girls have “really great personalities.”

And on a totally unrelated note…

03.11.08

Aw hell…
I said JUNGLE!
I WANT TO BE KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!
Not KING OF THE GIFTBAGS!!!!
What? No, tissue paper doesn’t say “ferocious”!
This is awful…

03.10.08

NOTE TO SELF:
When speaking of the Monster Truck Shows, as I often do, don’t colorfully refer to them as “Motorized Professional Wrestling”… or someone might "accidentally" mess up your lawn.


SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!!

03.07.08

Okay everyone gather ‘round! I’m going to show you what Marie Osmond taught me on the set of “Dancing with the Stars.”

03.06.08

FOP: Hey, it’s the Ladyfox’s birthday! Are you doing anything?
SLFX: Yup! We’re going to renew our COSTCO membership… and maybe get some of them samples.
FOP: …
SLFX: Um, So, you think I should call ahead and see if there’s going any of them Hot Dog Bagels, she really likes those.
FOP: …

03.05.08

POP QUIZ!!!
This popular urban custom indicates:

a. Brett Favre retired; Patrick Swazye has 5 weeks to live.
b. Its "wake up time" for pilots of low flying aircraft.
c. Amy Winehouse deals...uh "lives" 2 streets over.
d. Payless™ is having another BOGO Sale.
e. All of the above

03.04.08

Although a tad pretentious, the new lighting in my office definitely makes my pecs look bigger.

03.03.08

It’s probably nothing… But I think your kid just ate the entire stash of Space Cakes in the company break room.*

*And oddly enough her mother does work here... so that passive aggressive sign on the fridge doesn't apply!