01.25.08

A sampling from my private collection.
Have magical weekend kids!

01.24.08

Booty-shorts.
A pole.
Red shoes.
A dirty floor.
Uh... knee pads?

01.23.08

RH: Oh, so telling you to pack your camera up thousands of feet so you can take my picture making some sweet turns in the fresh Pow Pow makes ME a total douchebag?

FOP: Well, no more than the time you asked me to clean out your basement so you could build a wine cellar... Oooh, or that time you threw a frozen roll at a waitress.

01.22.07

What my soul looks like upon being called into a late afternoon meeting.
Weep for me.

01.21.08

HEY EVERYBODY!!!!
I KNOW YOU AREN'T "WORKING FROM HOME" TODAY!

01.18.08

A survey conducted by British researchers ‘discovered’ 99% of infants, children, teens, adults, seniors, schizophrenics, people in vegetative states, mass murderers, Marilyn Manson and dog killers find circus clowns scary, creepy and down-right disturbing. The remaining 1% smell like cabbage and will chose the seat next to you on an empty bus.

*I deserve "Bravery Points" for this one... and also, yes, random things like this happen to me all the time.

01.17.08

In 2.5 minutes, the temperatures of my office and the dark side of the moon will be exactly the same!

01.16.08

Welcome to Skiing 101!
We’ve sectioned off an area of the mountain so you don’t feel threatened by the more experience riders. Now, if everyone will take the pizza-wedge stance we’ll get started.

01.15.08

Ditchin’ the corn-pipe & button nose,
For 24” spinnas’ and booty ho’s!
Toot toot! Beep beep!
Awww yeah.

Thumpetty thump thump, thumpety thump thump!

01.14.08

ATTENTION!!! Suffers of Seasonal Affective Disorder!
Just a friendly reminder to refill the Bupropion and warm up the fluorescent lamps. You won't be seeing this anytime soon.
Toot Toot!

01.11.08

Reasons I could have jumped this week:
1. Asked if cell phone came with Zack Morris.
2. Found job on the list of “Least Secure Careers for 2008.”
3. Informed favorite male figure skater traded in “Puffy Shirt” for halo.*
4. Told I resemble Rosie O’Donnell… but in a good way.

Reason I didn’t:
AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS BACK!!! Are you warrior ENOUGH?


*Good night sweet prince.

01.10.08

A scenario...

You're waiting in line for nachos & a Dew at the Seven-11.
A ‘dude’ in a tiny crop top sweater is in front of you.
‘Dude’ tops off his 64oz. BladderBuster.
'Dude' turns to you and asks, “Want to see my panties.”

Right, like that would ever happen.

SMASSH!

01.09.08

According to a recent poll conducted by Dan Jones & Associates, area homeowners have shoveled their walkways 364 times* this winter.

* ±6% margin of error

01.08.08

In Other News: Sub Par Photography Reaches New Lows

$5 if you know what this is. Minus $5 if you tell me.

01.07.08

Well, I for one am glad that the McRib is back. I mean, not to make light of Bessie and the other gals in the Processing Dept., but one more day on this “Alfalfa Sprout Diet” and I may have to butcher myself.

01.04.08

HEY EVERYBODY! OVER HERE!

You can't see it. It's electric!
You gotta feel it. It's electric!
Ooh, it's shakin'. It's electric!

Are you comin' with me?
Come let me take you on a party ride
And I'll teach you, teach you, teach you!

It's electric. Boogie woogie, woogie.

01.03.08

RP: I’m so freaking excited, today is the IOWA CAUCUS!!!

BH: What the hell kind of place is this? Have you seen my Purelle®?

RP: Since 1972, the Iowa Caucus has been the first major electoral event of the nominating process for President of the United States.

BH: What’s that vile smell?

RP: It serves as an early indication of which candidates for President might win the nomination of their political party at their respective national conventions.

BH: Do you think there are poor people here?

RP: This year is set to be a dooooozie with the Democrats heading into it with a virtual three-way tie!

BH: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANCAKES!!!!!

01.02.08

After much debate and several strenuous calculations, the Winner of the 3rd Annual "Who's 'Happy New Year' Text is Closest to 12:00AM" has been determined.*

Thanks to all of you who continue to wake me up on this anticlimactic "holiday"! I am looking to sponsor this contest next year, stay tuned for details.

* Honestly, I don't think I know this person.

12.31.07

The traditional New Years fridge.*
* The bottled water is just for show.

12.28.07

I'm pretty sure this is what my veins currently look like.

12.27.07

Rejected taglines for PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves)
Elves...

• Slightly less creepy than clowns.
  
• Get them, before they GET YOU.
  
• Inventors of the triangle Q-Tip.
  
• Using pointy shoes to kill baby seals since 1408.

12.26.07

December 26th
In Canada they call it "Boxing Day."
In the U.S. they call it "No Really, I'm 'Working' From Home Day."

12.24.07

How it all went down. Really….

“It’s like, one day I was just chillin’ in the House of David, and the next thing you know I’m the winner of 'Who Wants to be America’s Next Top Virgin Mother of Christ?' Dude, Joe is never going to believe this!“

Merry Christmas Y’all.

12.21.07

I still done wonders how they get 'em so straight with out a lick of duct tape?

12.20.07

There’s never been a better time:

Silverfox: I’m going to make this a December to Remember!
FOP: Oh, it will be memorable alright.
SiFo: They Ladyfox will be speechless, just like in the commercials.
FOP: Dad! Just because it has a combustion engine doesn’t mean…
SiFo: Now where do you suppose we get one of them big red bows?

12.19.07

Visually OxyMoronic
Although well-intentioned, Leroy’s attempt at promoting energy conservation via the use of wind power had area environmentalists outraged.

12.18.07

Winter Hobo. A Haiku.

the hobo’s playground
smell of urine still lingers
a knapsack, empty

12.14.07

I'll have the bowl of chilled Ketchup please. What do you mean "am I serious"?

12.13.07

NEW! Westside street signs encourage area pedestrians to:

A. Walk on.
B. Rock on.
C. Feel the Love.
D. All of the above.

12.12.07

10 seasons later...
Minus the neon green bibs and rear-entry, white/pink Barbie boots, everything else is pretty much the same. Poop.

12.11.07

Hey guys, guess what time it is?
It's freaking
LAMP TIME!

Yeah sorry.

11.10.07

Ahhhhhh, the Company Christmas Party...
Lets hark back to that one time when I told the boss his son resembled a cheap transvestite and then proceeded to hide smoked oysters in the pockets of all the coats stashed in the bedroom.

11.07.07

Yeah, so when I am done here I’ll probably end up hanging over your mom’s door or mantel or something!

12.06.07

I’m gonna be honest, I spent a majority of the day trying to figure out what the phrase “give morning the burrito” means. The rest of the time I was doing this….

12.05.07

There are times when the view from my apartment reminds me that occasionally stepping on syringes and finding dead bodies in dumpsters isn't really soooo bad.

12.04.07

A disturbing, yet simple way, to ensure you will never be subject to your company's "Random Drug Test Policy"... Again.

12.03.07

Finally!
The Spice Girls Reunion Tour has begun!
Toot Toot!

11.30.07

Knowing that by paying my state taxes I will put food in these guys mouths*, makes me feel like a better person. Identities have been manipulated to protect the innocent.

* yes, that’s a cookie and yes, I realize it’s not technically in his mouth.

11.29.07

The other day, I met this doode named Charlie who stayed awake for 168 hours... straight, AND ate nothing but human fingers!

11.28.07

A Tribute:
"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal… People know me.”
Teleprompters will shine a little less bright tonight as two (count them) TWO, area television anchors simultaneously retire after reading the news to us for 20+ years. While most of the community yawns, I would like to commemorate this day with a few fond memories. I‘ll always cherish the time I saw one of you buying underwear and Dinty Moore Stew at the Walmart. Farewell old friend. And also, the time one of you hit on me at the gym in your little spandex tights and short shirt… Goodnight sweet prince.
You two stay classy…

11.27.07

SALES REPRESENTATIVE FOR POPULAR TOP 40 RADIO STATION: Hi. Nice to finally meet you. Uh, has any one told you your looks don't match your phone voice?

ME: …

SRFPT4RS: It’s just well I thought you'd look different. Jollier? Maybe a bit more Sir-Mix-Alot style?

ME: …

SRFPT4RS: Little in the middle…? Itty bitty waist… round thing in your face? Ahem, A little plumper, you know?

ME: …

11.26.07

I Can't Believe It's not APPLE... BALONEY!
As far as I’m concerned, “The Fleecing of America”… it all started with the guy who invented "apple" flavoring.
Case in point... the Green "Apple" Jolley Rancher. I know this taste is not "apple", yet when I taste anything with a similar flavor i refer to it as APPLE! (i.e. carmel apple suckers, green laffytaffy, sour apple rings etc.)

11.22.07

Um, you look like you ran into a freaking wall.

Um, THANKS, You look like you're trying to reincarnate Tammy Faye.

Thanks

11.21.07

Doooooooode.
You guys, look what I found in the yams! I think they are getting back at us for the old “small pox in the blanket” joke! Huh? What? Why am I riding a Turkey? Oh, well, they said second only to the Mayflower, the turkey is the superior form of transportation in the New World.

11.20.07

Nothing to see here... move along.

11.19.07

Weekend Report:
HOW I MAY HAVE DISAPPOINTED THE SILVERFOX IN THE PAST 48 HOURS.
While simultaneously proving I am, in fact, the Ladyfox’s daughter.

Declared White Zombie to rock infinitely harder than the Rolling Stones.

Shouted “Incontinent Whore!”… in a quiet restaurant.

Wore a bikini… with sequins… and fringe... Did i mention it was white?

Increased credit limit... from $500 to $1500

Talked to a boy… with tattoos... and nipple ring...Did i mention we were in a hot tub?

11.16.07

Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum!

11.15.07

Dear Mr. Almost Ex President Gore,

I BELIEVE you invented the internet! AND, I totally understood it when you said "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." I don't think your lisp makes you seem effeminate...I don't think it's technically even a lisp... really. Um, anyway, I was just wondering if you'd come up with a cure for that whole global warming thing. Let me know.

Sincerely,
Mr. What the HECK its the Middle of November!!!

11.14.07

Yes, "Mr. Piano Pants" is a very clever name.
No, I will not "tickle your ivories."

11.13.07

Ahhhhhh little grasshopper...
Head too close to lens make for blurry face!