11.12.07

Oh hey, hows it going... Wha? No I won't neglect my babies while doing a line of cocaine off that Cheeto bag and slamming a Red-bull-mochachino... I think the girl your looking for lives 2 streets over... No worries, man... yeah I'll look for you on YouTube. Good luck!

11.09.07

A Wedding Exposé:
It's not often you are able to capture the exact moment the bride informs a guest that there is, in fact, an open bar.

11.08.07

I SAW YOU...

you: picking a scab and looking at the new Magic the Gathering Cards.
me: finishing a Mensa workout and buying a 12 sided die.

you infiltrated my heart. let's meet up and exchange strategies

Sorry kids, you may have to click on the photo to enjoy the sneaky photography.

11.07.07

I don't know if you guys know, I mean I just found out myself, but ER, the original doctor show, is STILL on TV... AND UNCLE JESSE* is a Paramedic/Medical Student/Gulf War Veteran.
Have Mercy!!


*Clarification: This Uncle Jesse not this Uncle Jesse

11.06.07

I think if The Terminator had a pet cat, that was also a cyborg, and it hacked up a fur ball, this is probably what it would look like.

11.05.07

I'm just saying that the hula girl and beenie babies are going to be a little pissed about their view being obstructed...

11.02.07

Hey man, thats some nice junk, in your trunk... You remember that one time I had junk in my trunk? I mean, i never had any thing as cool as a... uh is that a toilet? Anyway, right now i only have a 36 pack of Diet Pepsi back there, but you know all in due time.

Have nice weekend Y'all! Toot, toot!

11.01.07

3 Things I like:

Work. I know weird. But for the most part I enjoy my job.
Gym. There is a special place in my heart for treadmills, and TVs with cable.
Pictures. I like taking pictures of crap... Some you see, most you don't. They remind me that if you take the time to notice, there's some cool stuff out there.

With that...

Dear Gobblin who "Trunk-or-Treated" out of my car last night at the gym:

1. May I have the key to my office back... it appears your career path doesn't require a key, or for that matter an office.

2. 90% of my diet comes from a gas station. The gym isn't a luxury it's a necessity. If I need to call in a favor from Blackwater so I can work out, I will.

3. I hope you and your meth-head friends have fun taking pictures of each other... picking your scabs or whatever it is ya'll do.

My only question why not take the 36 pack of diet pepsi?

Watch your back,
FOPHQ

10.31.07

The man who built a snowman out of rain and put the "laughter" in to manslaughter, wants you have a Happy Halloween... or he will strangle you with a cordless phone.

Trick-or-Chuck!

10.30.07

TO: Costume Closet Inc.
FROM: K. Federline

SUBJECT: Suggested disclaimers to be considered for the Britney Spears "Have any of y'all seen my nappy weave?" Halloween Costume.

1. No user-serviceable parts inside
2. Not responsible for lost or abandoned children
3. For recreational use only
4. If condition persists discontinue use
5. Future reproduction strictly prohibited.
6. Panties not included

10.29.07

You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have trees with frickin' laser beams attached to their leaves!
Now my colleague informs me that that cannot be done?
Would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly?

10.26.07

Witch Week: Day 5
With eye of newt and frosty beer,
Lets make witch week disappear!

10.25.07

Witch Week: Day 4
I just flew in from Salem and boy am I “burned out”...

Heh ... Uhhh...

You ever wonder why you see a lot of pregnant witches this time of year?
Too many Hallo-Weenies!!!

Ba-DUM CHING!!

Mmmm Yeah... Okay, send in the flying monkies.

10.24.07

Witch Week: Day 3

Mystical photo tell me true
How to be a witch as charmed as you?

Buck-teefs with a corset a bit too tight,
And make-up applied by a transvestite.

10.23.07

Witch Week: Day 2
HAYYYYYYYY Y'AALLLL!
Cooter 'n' Skeeter here. Ozark Coven REPRESENT!
When we get done writtin' some spells on the back of this here Denny's Menu, we done gonna show ya'all how to floss with a garden hose!!! YEEEEEE HAWWWW!

10.22.07

Hey kids, it's time to grow out that mole hair!!!
Prepare yourselves for...
WITCH WEEK 2007!

You're kind of excited right? The guys in corporate think this is a bad idea...

10.21.07

I love being on salary... and I like cutting myself.

10.20.07

I love work! Worky, work, work. Here I go, going to do some work!

K, so what i meant by "see you back here in 48 hours" was "see you tomorrow!"

10.19.07

Hey great job this week everyone!!!
No, really, I can tell you gave it your all and I appreciate that... not enough to give you money for it of course, how 'bout a couple of these instead.
Okay, then we'll see you in 48 hours.

10.18.07

Romper, stomper, domper do!
Show me, show me, show me who!
Magic bong show me clear, who is having fun with beer...

I can see Rob and Mark and Ashley, there’s Ali and Bob. Oh and I can see John and Pappy too!

10.17.07

Sooooo cute, where did you get it?

Would you believe behind the dumpster at a Home Depot in exchange for a 12-gauge shotgun and a wooden swing set?

No.

Fine, technically it wasn’t behind the dumpster.

10.16.07

Sometimes the beauty of nature takes my breath away…
and then I realize its probably not the nature, so much as I had cabbage for dinner.

10.15.07

Every time you hear a twang...
a deformed, albino hillbilly gets to crawl out from under the porch!

10.12.07

I think the real question here is, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it mean Chuck Norris killed you before or after he roundhouse kicked the tree?

10.11.07

What is it? Well, I would tell you but I would have to, uhhhhhh kill you… and probably stop smoking the weed… but not necessarily in that order. Um, dooooode, I’m confused again. Hey you got any M&Ms?

10.10.07

On "Schnizel Night", I vill vear das leather pantaloons and zwee vill dance to Herr Hasslehoff!

10.09.07

'Tis the season...
To start wearing socks with your sandals!

10.08.07

Dear Valued Customer-

Thank you for purchasing Wookiees Gone Wild™. We here at WGW are sure you will enjoy the 2 disc collectors edition DVD and commemorative poster. We understand material of this nature may make you the laughing stock company mailroom and recognize your desire for privacy. Your purchase will arrive in a discrete white priority packing envelope to ensure your wookiee desires are kept COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL.

Regards,
Chewie
Wookiee Wildness Inc., CEO

10.05.07

This weekend, make your party super cool with Crackers!

10.04.07

Mother Nature says: It’s time for winter!

Mother FOP says: It’s time for my lithium… Um, I think a chicken sat on my car.

10.03.07

Area Bachelor Officially Relinquishes Title as Cruise Activities Director & Ties Knot in Beachside Ceremony.

The man who brought you this and this is getting married as we speak… in HAWAII!

“Yeah it’s kind of crazy,” reports a close friend, “I asked if he wanted to play some poker, drink a few beers and he said, ‘Ssssssth, yeah me and the lady, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if I’ll have enough time.’ It was really weird.”

Many claim the wedding was staged as a "media ploy" intended to convince the public that just because your last girlfriend looked like Richard Nixon doesn’t mean you're screwed for life.

“Hey I know that guy! That asshole lived in my basement!” exclaimed former roommate Bob upon hearing the news. “Man the last time I saw him he was running up and down the stairs like a mad hyena shouting ‘I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles.’ What was that all about?”

At this time CIA Intelligence cannot confirm where the couple will call home upon returning to the mainland, however it was revealed that they would have a happy, gluten-free life together.

Anyway, Blah blah blah.
Congratulations Old Friend!
mazel tov!

* The man who is featured today never reads/sees this but hey its a cute pic

10.02.07

I mean honestly, if you knew that for the next 15 minutes, you could eat whatever you found on the floor, how would you react?

10.01.07

Tag lines rejected by the Fall Foliage Association for the 2007 “Leaves!” campaign:

"LEAVES! ___________________!"
• Old people love ‘em
• Autumn’s cliché
• It’s that crap in your gutter
• Photographed more often than sunsets and 'golf ball sized hail'

09.28.07

A Weekend Tip:
In the event you find yourself taking a field sobriety test, pick a focal point just beyond the “walk & turn” destination.

Happy Weekend.

09.27.07

As I sat there, watching the stars pierce evening’s twilight, I thought to myself… Who the hell is Hannah Montana?

09.26.07

It is here, in this very spot, where I realized... After graduating, I would probably never really use calculus... or that joke about Adam Smith and "the invisible hand".

09.25.07

You want a what?
Oooooh, well, in order to get a raise you must:

• Pick up my laundry
  
• Awe at my rambling platitudes
  
• Do the ceremonial “Gimme a Raise Dance”
  
• Brush my tupee
  
• Be a man

Toot! Toot!

09.24.07

"Does my breath smell funny?"

"If by 'funny', you mean a helper monkey just licked the bottom of the trash can next to Space Mountain and then crawled in your mouth and died? Then yes, your breath smells 'funny'.

09.21.07

Barnyard Week: DAY #5
To celebrate the end of Barnyard Week™ (and what a week it was don’t you think?) I will be giving unicorn rides to midgets!

09.20.07

Barnyard Week: DAY #4 (Don't worry kids, it's almost over!)
Hello, Mr.Vick? Yes, we just wanted to say we really like what you’ve done for the industry. Attendance/transaction volumes have increased tenfold since your indictment! Um, anyway…uh, me and the guys were wondering if you’d entertain the idea of transferring your talents to a different albeit comparable arena?
Um yeah, well let me know... Naw man, you keep the nuggets.

09.19.07

Barnyard Week: Day #3
Hey remember when I was 8, and I had a mullet and a llama?
Remember when I’d walk that llama down some busy street in New York City… ALONE?
And remember how I used to sing the grammatically incorrect song “Me and My Llama”?
Oh and remember that one time I took the llama to the dentist, where a grown man poked at its teeth, like it was totally normal for a barn animal to be tromping around a dental office?


Yeah, that was freaking nuts.

09.18.07

Barnyard Week: DAY #2
Brother-cousin Donnie, used to call them GoatTards, cuz they done went toes up every time Uncle-dad Leroy would start the Powerstroke. Come to find out, despite his own genetic shortcomings, he was pretty accurate in his classification.

09.17.07

Barnyard Week: Day #1
In a recent test market for a revolutionary single-serving pork product, Carl’s Jr. Inc., reports that 3 of 4 consumers found the product name “A Taste of Hamlet” less offensive than “My Rump. My Rump. My Honey Roasted Lump”.

09.14.07

"Your astronomical model is freaking incredible! But aren’t there eight planets in our solar system?"

"HA! HA! That’s just your opinion man. I got these instructions from Wikipedia!"

09.13.07

Oh my heck you guys!
I found the perfect place to relocate my unicorn farm!

09.12.07

HOLY NUTS!!!
This month marks 2 years of mediocre, second-rate, b-team photography!
That’s over 500 pictures of stuff!!!
NOW GIMME SOME MONEY!

09.11.07

Pursuant to Environmental Code: 41-1a-1211 Section 58-20a-302, a strip mall anchored by a big box retailer must erected on said premises within next 90 days or you can expect to endure sizable financial penalties.

09.10.07

Look at this picture, while I mentally recuperate from driving 600 miles in 24 hours, with a man who suffers from chronic verbal diarrhea.

09.07.07

Official beverage of the 2007 State Fair, hoss.

I'm oft ta go lick me some butter sculpture!

09.06.07

In a recent poll, 4 out of 5 women admitted to having this tattooed on their lower back between 1993 and 1997.

And in other news…
Flat.
Buns.
I like flat buns.
Flat.
Buns.
I like flat buns.

For the love, PLEASE make it stop!!