05.08.06

Sadie!!! Crawl into this little takeout box and show mommy how well you can bring out the flavor of these snow peas.
Good dog!

FYI- The Ladyfox was a proud patron until the very end, and I lovingly refered to it as the "Locust."

05.05.06

Either you’re a Mexican or a Mexican’t. This here is a Mexican't.
And no matter how many gallons of tequila he drinks, he will always be a Mexican't.
¡Lo siento Señor!

05.04.06

This one time I met a Hobo who shopped at Banana Republic and said that knapsacks were for posers.

05.03.06

Yeah, but does it come in grey?

05.02.06

A Helpful Hint from the Silverfox:
"Spring is a great time to organize your booze."

05.01.06

It’s a river… a river of raw sewage.
To see more men in skirts being “extreme” in poo-water go here.

04.28.06

“Mother, put on your shawl and grab the cart, I do believe a little roof-raising is in order.”

04.27.06

Take off, you hoser! Eh!

04.26.06

A beacon of light for wayward tractors.
Return with honor y'all!

04.25.06

For a party animal, like myself, a good time is typically only four parking stalls and 18 wheels away. But seriously, fun follows me like stank on a fart.

04.24.06

Health insurance & helmets are required, and NO inverted aerial maneuvers! Capeshe?
For the wee thrashers who asked if I could post their rides, go here and here.

04.21.06

Toot! Toot! It's the weekend!

04.20.06

POP QUIZ!
The FOP for today is...

A) one way to woo me.
B) totally gay.
C) Both A & B

It's been brought to my attention that this is the fourth flower picture this month alone... NO MORE FLOWERS FOR APRIL!

04.19.06

"Yeah doggs, if it weren’t for the Howard the Duck 2 movie junket, I totally would’ve had the Aflac gig."

04.18.06

I present to you, sixteen dozen ways to catch the bird flu.

04.18.06 Daily Double!

"Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, it's the breast exams."*

*That's DMo rocking the handlebars like nobody's business.

04.17.06

In case you forgot what spring is SUPPOSED to look like.

04.14.06

I hope your Easter is full of neon window paintings, giant inflatable purple gorillas and low interest rates.

04.13.06

Trans Fat Soup with Spring Onion Garnish
”If you can’t ingest 2lbs of straight unsalted dairy cream butter in one sitting, you don’t deserve to eat. Lightweight.

04.12.06

“Orb of Liquor. Cornflower Formica. The Silverfox.”

04.11.06

"Guys, its going to suck when Kentucky Fried Chicken gets invented."

04.10.06

Proposed (and not necessarily rejected) taglines for aforepictured firm:

1. Suing is like Tara Reid. It’s Just (sniff) That easy.
2. One call, a dime bag and three hookers, that’s all.
3. If it were me, and I wasn’t busy drinking, I’d call me.
4. Give experience a try… um I forgot what comes next.
Hey, is my forehead sunburned?
How did this Cheeto dust get on my briefs?

04.07.06

Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
In Lunch Lady Land, your dreams come true!!
Hogies and grinders.
Hogies and grinders.
Hogies and grinders.
Navy Beans.
Navy Beans.
Navy Beans.

04.06.06

Dear Nature, Keeper of the Skies, Al Roker, Whoever-
The whole juxtaposition of the snow and flowers… that’s some brilliant stuff. No really, I’m not just saying that. It’s the 34 degrees that's really harshin’ my buzz here. Um, it’s April 6th, how ‘bout trying that whole sunshine thing you do so well.
Regards,
FOCP

04.05.06

Purple haze.

04.04.06

That homegirl be WHACK!
She need to ring up M.C. Hammer and let him know she been stealin’ his moves. I hate it when these no-rhythm-club-hos git all up in my grill.

04.03.06

“Pretty Bird! Pretty Bird! SQUWAAK!
Polly want a crac… Hey is that booze?”

03.31.06

I have voyeuristic tendencies. Maybe, if you take your significant other out tonight, I’ll take YOUR picture!

03.30.06

I’m BLUE da ba dee da ba die...
But really, when I looked at this I thought I had cracked the lens of the camera.

”What the crap is it?" you may be asking yourself: The top part is the cover to the ski lift. The middle is the sky. The white part is the mountain (Note the flourescent orange boundary ropes.) that seamlessly fades into the roof of the ski lift shack, where the lifties take turns with the hookah. Mystery solved. Good day!

03.29.06

Sure, eternal salvation is enticing,
but it’s the sacramental wine that motivates me.

03.28.06

It's electric!
Boogie-woogie... woogie.

03.27.06

The number of fish in the sea was reduced by one over the weekend.
Sorry boys.

03.24.06

Pssst!
This is where they keep the Wu-Tang Secrets.

03.23.06

I didn’t want to be the one to tell you...
but I've been looking around, and what this internet needs is more booze.

03.22.06

The advancements in TDS (Toothpick Delivery Systems) never cease to amaze me.

03.21.06

“Aw jeeze guys! So this really isn’t a 'come dressed as your favorite French dictator' party?”*

*Disclaimers:
1) No, I don’t know who this is, why he is dressed that way or if he was invited.
2) Yes, it is totally out of character for me to be at a place where social interaction is taking place, it won’t happen again.

03.20.06

Apocalypse, State Street.

03.17.06

Being a respectable Irish-American (that I am) requires an unyielding commitment to tradition and firm resolve to uphold the values that have been handed down through the ages. Last year, for instance, I shaved a leprechaun’s back.

03.16.06

Hidden in my GoreTex bunker amidst some of the most treacherous and frigid terrain known to man, the elusive trophy-wife restlessly waits for her sugar-daddy to return. He has undoubtedly spent his day hunting for fresh flesh to satisfy adulterous desires. I watch in awe, as the arm-candy meticulously applies a double coat of mascara to her already accentuated lashes and grooms her silky auburn plumage. She is entirely oblivious to my impending attack. I have no fear of losing my life. If I have to save a koala or a kangaroo or a squirrel, or a raccoon or, uh… a cat, from contributing to a fashion catastrophe, I will.
 
Crikey!!!

03.15.06

It's tough maintaining the 1957 Motor Trend Car of the Year.
Good call on the tarp.

03.14.06

Totally worth the wait.
All that you thought it would be and MORE, no doubt.

• • • • • •

FOCP Friends,

I know you were anxiously awaiting today's post. Unfortunately I am having issues uploading today's picture.
In all actuality, it totally blows monkies and your probably better off having not seen it.

-Management

03.13.06

Emeril Lagasse & Martha Stewart can kiss Javiero's grits!

03.10.06

This post is dedicated to:

Whatever erased my hard drive.

The officer who gave me a ticket for going 40 in a 35.

A $56 oil change.

The person who taped a “non-confrontational” note to my car.

Whoever called me to jury duty.*

I'm going to eat 37 cupcakes this weekend

*For those of you who are wondering: You can’t have your jury duty money count against your speeding ticket fine… Believe me, I tried

03.09.06

¡Ay, naranjas en la cabeza!

03.08.06

I'd like you to meet Mr. Boooooogers!
But really, get this guy some Kleenex and a brush.

To put things in perspective: His nostrils are about a half-inch smaller than Scotty Pippen's.

03.07.06

Puzzlement:
Do you ever wonder what happens if the crane guy has to piddle?
I do.

(Obviously the walkway is out of the question. BaDumpBum! Ching!)

03.06.06

An Open Letter to Heroin Users in My Building:

To Whom It May Concern:

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but could you please refrain from leaving your dirty rigs on my porch. If you don't mind, I'd prefer to slam NEW ones.

Thanks,
FOCP

03.03.06

Umm...
Hello.
Kitty?

03.02.06

Lunch!

03.01.06

"Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."