To the poor fella who broke into my car last night at the gym:
You done got screwed!! HA! HA! Totally unrewarding, wasn’t it? Kind of like being behind Whitney Houston at a crack buffet. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy using my credit card. With a $500 limit, the opportunies are endless. You could build your VERY OWN meth lab. Or maybe invest in a couple of cheap whores, whom you can impress with my 1998 analog NOKIA brick phone. You may want to toss the Tupperware of half eaten oatmeal before it starts to smell; and the mascara in my makeup bag, it is old. DON”T USE IT. You’ll get a fungus.
Well, thanks for leaving the Kenny Chesney CD and Armor-All Wipes. Sorry I didn’t have cooler stuff. I’ll try harder next time.
West Side Pride 4-eva’
FOCP
P.S. The coupons for laundry detergent and tampons (in the pink wallet behind the Fresh Value card) expire today, so you’ll want to get after that. Oh, and contrary to my drivers license picture, I’m not Jessica Alba’s (HOTTER) younger sister. No, don’t feel silly, I get that, A LOT.
