12.06.07

I’m gonna be honest, I spent a majority of the day trying to figure out what the phrase “give morning the burrito” means. The rest of the time I was doing this….

12.05.07

There are times when the view from my apartment reminds me that occasionally stepping on syringes and finding dead bodies in dumpsters isn't really soooo bad.

12.04.07

A disturbing, yet simple way, to ensure you will never be subject to your company's "Random Drug Test Policy"... Again.

12.03.07

Finally!
The Spice Girls Reunion Tour has begun!
Toot Toot!

11.30.07

Knowing that by paying my state taxes I will put food in these guys mouths*, makes me feel like a better person. Identities have been manipulated to protect the innocent.

* yes, that’s a cookie and yes, I realize it’s not technically in his mouth.

11.29.07

The other day, I met this doode named Charlie who stayed awake for 168 hours... straight, AND ate nothing but human fingers!

11.28.07

A Tribute:
"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal… People know me.”
Teleprompters will shine a little less bright tonight as two (count them) TWO, area television anchors simultaneously retire after reading the news to us for 20+ years. While most of the community yawns, I would like to commemorate this day with a few fond memories. I‘ll always cherish the time I saw one of you buying underwear and Dinty Moore Stew at the Walmart. Farewell old friend. And also, the time one of you hit on me at the gym in your little spandex tights and short shirt… Goodnight sweet prince.
You two stay classy…

11.27.07

SALES REPRESENTATIVE FOR POPULAR TOP 40 RADIO STATION: Hi. Nice to finally meet you. Uh, has any one told you your looks don't match your phone voice?

ME: …

SRFPT4RS: It’s just well I thought you'd look different. Jollier? Maybe a bit more Sir-Mix-Alot style?

ME: …

SRFPT4RS: Little in the middle…? Itty bitty waist… round thing in your face? Ahem, A little plumper, you know?

ME: …

11.26.07

I Can't Believe It's not APPLE... BALONEY!
As far as I’m concerned, “The Fleecing of America”… it all started with the guy who invented "apple" flavoring.
Case in point... the Green "Apple" Jolley Rancher. I know this taste is not "apple", yet when I taste anything with a similar flavor i refer to it as APPLE! (i.e. carmel apple suckers, green laffytaffy, sour apple rings etc.)

11.22.07

Um, you look like you ran into a freaking wall.

Um, THANKS, You look like you're trying to reincarnate Tammy Faye.

Thanks

11.21.07

Doooooooode.
You guys, look what I found in the yams! I think they are getting back at us for the old “small pox in the blanket” joke! Huh? What? Why am I riding a Turkey? Oh, well, they said second only to the Mayflower, the turkey is the superior form of transportation in the New World.

11.20.07

Nothing to see here... move along.

11.19.07

Weekend Report:
HOW I MAY HAVE DISAPPOINTED THE SILVERFOX IN THE PAST 48 HOURS.
While simultaneously proving I am, in fact, the Ladyfox’s daughter.

Declared White Zombie to rock infinitely harder than the Rolling Stones.

Shouted “Incontinent Whore!”… in a quiet restaurant.

Wore a bikini… with sequins… and fringe... Did i mention it was white?

Increased credit limit... from $500 to $1500

Talked to a boy… with tattoos... and nipple ring...Did i mention we were in a hot tub?

11.16.07

Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum!

11.15.07

Dear Mr. Almost Ex President Gore,

I BELIEVE you invented the internet! AND, I totally understood it when you said "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." I don't think your lisp makes you seem effeminate...I don't think it's technically even a lisp... really. Um, anyway, I was just wondering if you'd come up with a cure for that whole global warming thing. Let me know.

Sincerely,
Mr. What the HECK its the Middle of November!!!

11.14.07

Yes, "Mr. Piano Pants" is a very clever name.
No, I will not "tickle your ivories."

11.13.07

Ahhhhhh little grasshopper...
Head too close to lens make for blurry face!

11.12.07

Oh hey, hows it going... Wha? No I won't neglect my babies while doing a line of cocaine off that Cheeto bag and slamming a Red-bull-mochachino... I think the girl your looking for lives 2 streets over... No worries, man... yeah I'll look for you on YouTube. Good luck!

11.09.07

A Wedding Exposé:
It's not often you are able to capture the exact moment the bride informs a guest that there is, in fact, an open bar.

11.08.07

I SAW YOU...

you: picking a scab and looking at the new Magic the Gathering Cards.
me: finishing a Mensa workout and buying a 12 sided die.

you infiltrated my heart. let's meet up and exchange strategies

Sorry kids, you may have to click on the photo to enjoy the sneaky photography.

11.07.07

I don't know if you guys know, I mean I just found out myself, but ER, the original doctor show, is STILL on TV... AND UNCLE JESSE* is a Paramedic/Medical Student/Gulf War Veteran.
Have Mercy!!


*Clarification: This Uncle Jesse not this Uncle Jesse

11.06.07

I think if The Terminator had a pet cat, that was also a cyborg, and it hacked up a fur ball, this is probably what it would look like.

11.05.07

I'm just saying that the hula girl and beenie babies are going to be a little pissed about their view being obstructed...

11.02.07

Hey man, thats some nice junk, in your trunk... You remember that one time I had junk in my trunk? I mean, i never had any thing as cool as a... uh is that a toilet? Anyway, right now i only have a 36 pack of Diet Pepsi back there, but you know all in due time.

Have nice weekend Y'all! Toot, toot!

11.01.07

3 Things I like:

Work. I know weird. But for the most part I enjoy my job.
Gym. There is a special place in my heart for treadmills, and TVs with cable.
Pictures. I like taking pictures of crap... Some you see, most you don't. They remind me that if you take the time to notice, there's some cool stuff out there.

With that...

Dear Gobblin who "Trunk-or-Treated" out of my car last night at the gym:

1. May I have the key to my office back... it appears your career path doesn't require a key, or for that matter an office.

2. 90% of my diet comes from a gas station. The gym isn't a luxury it's a necessity. If I need to call in a favor from Blackwater so I can work out, I will.

3. I hope you and your meth-head friends have fun taking pictures of each other... picking your scabs or whatever it is ya'll do.

My only question why not take the 36 pack of diet pepsi?

Watch your back,
FOPHQ

10.31.07

The man who built a snowman out of rain and put the "laughter" in to manslaughter, wants you have a Happy Halloween... or he will strangle you with a cordless phone.

Trick-or-Chuck!

10.30.07

TO: Costume Closet Inc.
FROM: K. Federline

SUBJECT: Suggested disclaimers to be considered for the Britney Spears "Have any of y'all seen my nappy weave?" Halloween Costume.

1. No user-serviceable parts inside
2. Not responsible for lost or abandoned children
3. For recreational use only
4. If condition persists discontinue use
5. Future reproduction strictly prohibited.
6. Panties not included

10.29.07

You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have trees with frickin' laser beams attached to their leaves!
Now my colleague informs me that that cannot be done?
Would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly?

10.26.07

Witch Week: Day 5
With eye of newt and frosty beer,
Lets make witch week disappear!

10.25.07

Witch Week: Day 4
I just flew in from Salem and boy am I “burned out”...

Heh ... Uhhh...

You ever wonder why you see a lot of pregnant witches this time of year?
Too many Hallo-Weenies!!!

Ba-DUM CHING!!

Mmmm Yeah... Okay, send in the flying monkies.

10.24.07

Witch Week: Day 3

Mystical photo tell me true
How to be a witch as charmed as you?

Buck-teefs with a corset a bit too tight,
And make-up applied by a transvestite.

10.23.07

Witch Week: Day 2
HAYYYYYYYY Y'AALLLL!
Cooter 'n' Skeeter here. Ozark Coven REPRESENT!
When we get done writtin' some spells on the back of this here Denny's Menu, we done gonna show ya'all how to floss with a garden hose!!! YEEEEEE HAWWWW!

10.22.07

Hey kids, it's time to grow out that mole hair!!!
Prepare yourselves for...
WITCH WEEK 2007!

You're kind of excited right? The guys in corporate think this is a bad idea...

10.21.07

I love being on salary... and I like cutting myself.

10.20.07

I love work! Worky, work, work. Here I go, going to do some work!

K, so what i meant by "see you back here in 48 hours" was "see you tomorrow!"

10.19.07

Hey great job this week everyone!!!
No, really, I can tell you gave it your all and I appreciate that... not enough to give you money for it of course, how 'bout a couple of these instead.
Okay, then we'll see you in 48 hours.

10.18.07

Romper, stomper, domper do!
Show me, show me, show me who!
Magic bong show me clear, who is having fun with beer...

I can see Rob and Mark and Ashley, there’s Ali and Bob. Oh and I can see John and Pappy too!

10.17.07

Sooooo cute, where did you get it?

Would you believe behind the dumpster at a Home Depot in exchange for a 12-gauge shotgun and a wooden swing set?

No.

Fine, technically it wasn’t behind the dumpster.

10.16.07

Sometimes the beauty of nature takes my breath away…
and then I realize its probably not the nature, so much as I had cabbage for dinner.

10.15.07

Every time you hear a twang...
a deformed, albino hillbilly gets to crawl out from under the porch!

10.12.07

I think the real question here is, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it mean Chuck Norris killed you before or after he roundhouse kicked the tree?

10.11.07

What is it? Well, I would tell you but I would have to, uhhhhhh kill you… and probably stop smoking the weed… but not necessarily in that order. Um, dooooode, I’m confused again. Hey you got any M&Ms?

10.10.07

On "Schnizel Night", I vill vear das leather pantaloons and zwee vill dance to Herr Hasslehoff!

10.09.07

'Tis the season...
To start wearing socks with your sandals!

10.08.07

Dear Valued Customer-

Thank you for purchasing Wookiees Gone Wild™. We here at WGW are sure you will enjoy the 2 disc collectors edition DVD and commemorative poster. We understand material of this nature may make you the laughing stock company mailroom and recognize your desire for privacy. Your purchase will arrive in a discrete white priority packing envelope to ensure your wookiee desires are kept COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL.

Regards,
Chewie
Wookiee Wildness Inc., CEO

10.05.07

This weekend, make your party super cool with Crackers!

10.04.07

Mother Nature says: It’s time for winter!

Mother FOP says: It’s time for my lithium… Um, I think a chicken sat on my car.

10.03.07

Area Bachelor Officially Relinquishes Title as Cruise Activities Director & Ties Knot in Beachside Ceremony.

The man who brought you this and this is getting married as we speak… in HAWAII!

“Yeah it’s kind of crazy,” reports a close friend, “I asked if he wanted to play some poker, drink a few beers and he said, ‘Ssssssth, yeah me and the lady, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if I’ll have enough time.’ It was really weird.”

Many claim the wedding was staged as a "media ploy" intended to convince the public that just because your last girlfriend looked like Richard Nixon doesn’t mean you're screwed for life.

“Hey I know that guy! That asshole lived in my basement!” exclaimed former roommate Bob upon hearing the news. “Man the last time I saw him he was running up and down the stairs like a mad hyena shouting ‘I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles.’ What was that all about?”

At this time CIA Intelligence cannot confirm where the couple will call home upon returning to the mainland, however it was revealed that they would have a happy, gluten-free life together.

Anyway, Blah blah blah.
Congratulations Old Friend!
mazel tov!

* The man who is featured today never reads/sees this but hey its a cute pic

10.02.07

I mean honestly, if you knew that for the next 15 minutes, you could eat whatever you found on the floor, how would you react?

10.01.07

Tag lines rejected by the Fall Foliage Association for the 2007 “Leaves!” campaign:

"LEAVES! ___________________!"
• Old people love ‘em
• Autumn’s cliché
• It’s that crap in your gutter
• Photographed more often than sunsets and 'golf ball sized hail'