09.14.11

Got a new roommate.
Her name is Katy.
A bit on the creepy side.

09.08.11

METH-amorphasis
The physiological process by which previously vibrant and beautiful being becomes tattered, worn and sinks into an utter state of hollow-cheek-oozing-scab hopelessness. Once evicted from the familial cocoon, it moves into a urine-soaked trailer with its gun trading boyfriend and its babies are taken away.

08.24.11

It's not me talking.

Flock of Seagulls? Not a big fan? You don't say.

08.03.11

A Morbid Goose Nursery Rhyme

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home,
Your house is on fire,
Your children shall burn!

07.21.11

Kermit's younger and less successful brother, Randy... Randy Moss.

10.07.10

My what big... eyes you have.

09.29.10

Pop Quiz!
A. Did you say insexticide?
B. Ahhh. yesss. grashopper.
C. No, You’re schmoopy.
D. Wednesday, humpday.

07.01.10

Summer Mossy Oak Camo
Um, yeah dude, I can still see you.

06.16.10

Not to brag, but I’m naturally Jewish.

The Torah says the eating of bugs is forbidden.

I already don’t eat bugs, and I’ve never even met Torah!

09.28.09

Ripped from the headlines:

Area Designer Ralph Lauren Says "Overalls Are BACK"; KrissKross and Kid ‘n Play Announce Comeback Tour.

09.23.09

FOP: What are you going to do with it?
RH: Put it in a jar.
FOP: Then what?
RH: Put it in my fridge.
FOP: Why?
RH: FOR SCIENCE!!!
FOP: And by “science” you mean, “Because I am an aspiring serial killer and the logistics of putting actual road kill in my fridge is not feasible due to my recent trip to Costco”?
RH: … 64 cans of Diet Pepsi takes up a lot of room you know.

08.20.09

Summer Bees Makes Me Feel Fine.

08.17.09

Little Miss Muffet
Sat her big ol’ booty on a tuffet,
Cuz she’s all LAZY like that.

So I ate her… Yeah dat’s right!
CHOMP CHOMP!
Woman won’t be hoggin’ all da curds and whey NO MO!

07.23.09

And we shall call him "Unicornfly".

In my opinion, if your gonna start naming things after mythological creatures you should go all out. Pick something completely awesome… like a MANTICORE!

07.01.09

Whatup?

Oh you know, just making maggots and decomposing stuff.

06.10.09

HOW LITTLE WAS IT!

Dear FOP,

We regret to inform you that your zucchini is to little for the interweb. Don't feel bad, it happens to a lot of applicants. Better luck next time.

Sincerely,
Management

06.02.09

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
Cuz she was old and nuts! And thought holding a Mixed Martial Arts Contest in her stomach would be sort of AWESOME.

Sooo…

She swallowed the spider to wrastle the fly (that I guess she ate when the cat food ran out). Where it performed 8 of the top 10 submission moves (one with each leg, of course!) on that pathetic fly…

I guess it died.

05.12.09

Dear JOSH,

Sorry I has to bounce with out saying good-bye. It was really early and I was tired of getting shot at, and tired of getting chased by the PO-Lice. I tried to leave you a note, but I couldn’t find a pen and my email was down. I hope you got the message. I’ll be at Thugs Mansion around noon if you need me.

Regards,
2Pac

09.17.08

Things to do today:
1. Eat sweater.
2. Make hurricane in China.
3. Attack porch lamp.

08.06.08

Ah! Little grasshopper you have much to learn…

…for 4 payments of $35.99, some bat-crazy loon name Kevin Trudeau will provide you a revolutionary book filled with Everything "They" Don't Want You To Know About. Where in you will learn of government’s plot to eradicate the human race and replace them with beings spawn from the loins of Tom Cruise.