04.25.08

The only thing remotely entertaining I heard today:
"I used my REI dividend not on something new but rather, to replace my Chacos."

Have a nice weekend y'all! Don't go losing your Chacos.

04.24.08

This sucks. We’re headed into the playoffs and like, half my Fantasy Fooseball team is out with a severe case of syphilis. This sucks.
I’m so pissed!

04.23.08

Sooooo anyway, I was sitting there waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his white stallion when… What? Of course I believe in "that sort of thing."

Yes, this was at a gas station, thanks for asking.

04.22.08

Hey Hippies! Happy Earth Day!
Way to be environmentally responsible. No really, that whole “Go Green” thing, BRILLIANT! We totally respect what you’re doing out there. It’s so SUPER! Honestly, with out y’all, we’d have nothing to urban sprawl on. Keep up the good work.

04.21.08

Compound life got you down?*
Has wearing jeans beneath your modest yet practical polyester blend pioneer dress become a bit mundane? Does that good-for-nothing, patriarch of a husband keep marrying off your babies? Tired of self-righteous sister-wives getting’ all up in you grill? If you’re ready to let your hair down and get your drink on with some Gentiles give us a call.


*Its probably just as well I wasn't the Creative Director on this one.

04.18.07

¡gracias y te quiero!
NO, thank you, for providing endless hours of fine programming from Telemundo, Televisa, Univision and The CW in crystal clear reception.

04.17.08

I knew my afternoon would be awesome when I came back from lunch and found someone had used my computer to Google “predator braids.”

04.16.08

ex pong facto
Subsequent to receiving a Juris Doctor, law school graduates are required to participate in a state or provincial table tennis competition in order to practice law. This multi-state Ping Pong Tournament is a crucial component of the bar examination in almost all United States jurisdictions. Although seemingly innocuous, bloodshed and uncouth comments concerning opponents warm-up suits are highly probable.
I will now use the words scintilla and res judicata to reinforce the fact my intellect is far superior to yours. Good Day!

04.15.08

$1999 OBO
• Chip resistant windshields
• Fresh! Sheep skin seat covers. You sheer.
• E-Z Detachable Engine Block™ Great for pesky girlfriends*

* chain not included.

04.14.08

AN AFTERNOON AT THE CHEVRON

FOP: Drinking diet beverage* while examining nutrition value of Poptart

GAS STATION CASHIER: OH MY HECK!!!!

FOP: Makes attempt to duck behind jerky display to avoid impending gunfire.

GSC: I KNOW YOU!!! Pointing ferociously

FOP: Racks brain for last time hung out with 75lb, toothless meth-head.

GSC: WE WENT TO PRISON TOGETHER!!!!

FOP: Uh… I had detention in 7th grade once. Sorry.

GSC: Yeah I guess you wouldn’t be sprung yet anyway. 15 more years at least.

FOP: Yikes!


*Yup, thats a picture of back wash.

04.11.08

Area 8th Graders Learn Witty Coping Techniques in Anger Management Class.

This is my submission to WTFsigns.com. You should submit an entry too and you could get a treat.

04.10.08

JUST ARRIVED!
HIGH QUALITY HOBO PIMP STICK!
Affordable to all da HoboPimps WORLDWIDE!
Perfect for your right and left hand, or as a gift. Provides stability and decreases staggering so that your CRUNK CUP will overflowth with only the illest, most potent of juice... Ideal for roasting hot dogs. Looks great with burlap. Smells like beans!

LIMITED SUPPY, YA DIG?


Can I say pimpstick?
Anyhoo.

04.09.08

Meet me between 6 & 7 and I’ll show you a petrified hotdog, some cheap weed and a banana clip.

04.08.08

Area Hospital Gets Creative in an Attempt to Provide Affordable Healthcare:
Welcome to 'The Cafemorgue'
Lunch & Dinner - 11am to 8pm
Autopsies - 8:30pm to 3am

04.07.08

For reals!
I think the neon gable totally complements the asphalt shingles… kind of like how a stripper is a nice accessory to a 5” clear Lucite platform heeled shoe. All sorts of klassy.

04.04.03

If you look close you can see what I like to call "The Essence of Mustache."

Yup. That's all she wrote this week.
Have a nice weekend.

04.03.08

In a side-by-side comparison, 4 out of 5 people found more artistic value in Sara Jessica Parker’s chin mole than today’s photo.

04.02.08

So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Carne asada? Interesting.

04.01.08

RH: Its April Fool's Day
FOP: Mmmm hmmm…
RH: I stole the ashes of my bosses dead grandmother.
FOP: How original of you…
RH: Gear Room's full. Where should I put them?
FOP: I’d bet she’d like the laundry ro... I mean "Wine Cellar."

03.31.08

2 things I realized today:

1. I'm pretty much done with winter.
2. I don't know what the words scintilla and unmitigated mean

03.28.08

I knew today was going to be an AWESOME day when the first words spoken to me at 6:30 this morning were:

“Hey, yeah, um, you know what time the Beer Cave opens?”

Have a nice weekend Y’all.

03.27.08

AHEM! I am the gatekeeper here!
Pursuant to Bovine code 12-196231a-12c, to gain admittance to Beta Quadrant Sector 14 in Sector Block 55, you must display your teats to me.

Well, I'm waiting...
What do you mean you haven’t any teats?
No, you can’t talk to my supervisor!

03.26.08

Uh...
Clark! Shitter's Full!

03.25.08

1985: A Golden Moment with the Silverfox

FOP: Hey dad, why do we have to plant all these trees?
SLFX: Because ‘he who plants a tree, plants hope’… and also, in a few years, I’ll have something to beat you with when break your curfew. Now be a dear and go get the stump grinder.

03.24.08

I kid you not,
I think my left buttcheek just mutated in to a Yellow Marshmallow Peep.
OINK!

03.21.08

Killing slugs, preventing goiters and making fries spectacular since 1924.

03.20.08

Honestly, I think we should be asking candidates the hard-hitting questions like,
“WHAT THE HELL EVER HAPPENED TO COLD FUSION?”

03.19.08

I was informed by an official government employee that he “waited” at work an additional 15 minutes in anticipation of a witty caption to accompany yesterdays photo and was “totally let down”.

Now, I am very aware that “waiting” is an elite assignment awarded to our nations most highly trained individuals, and I realize that those precious moments could have been spent Googling “midget farts”, researching “hobo mating rituals” or taking advantage of a "mandatory smoke break". So please, accept my sincerest apology for adding that additional .25 hours to your already strenuous 3.75 hr workday and for “totally letting you down.”

03.18.08

It is a little known fact that everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That's why no one messes with Switzerland.
(sorry)

03.17.08

WARNING:
According to the Ladyfox, you will poop a leprechaun 3 hours after ingesting.

03.14.08

Hmm. Have I berated anyone for their inferior socioeconomic status today? No? Here hold my astonishing bulging billfold, I think I spot an unsavory chap over there.

03.13.08

I fought the log and the log won.

03.12.08

Ripped from the headlines:
1 in 4 teen girls has an STD!!!

Alternately, 3 out of 4 teen girls have “really great personalities.”

And on a totally unrelated note…

03.11.08

Aw hell…
I said JUNGLE!
I WANT TO BE KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!
Not KING OF THE GIFTBAGS!!!!
What? No, tissue paper doesn’t say “ferocious”!
This is awful…

03.10.08

NOTE TO SELF:
When speaking of the Monster Truck Shows, as I often do, don’t colorfully refer to them as “Motorized Professional Wrestling”… or someone might "accidentally" mess up your lawn.


SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!!

03.07.08

Okay everyone gather ‘round! I’m going to show you what Marie Osmond taught me on the set of “Dancing with the Stars.”

03.06.08

FOP: Hey, it’s the Ladyfox’s birthday! Are you doing anything?
SLFX: Yup! We’re going to renew our COSTCO membership… and maybe get some of them samples.
FOP: …
SLFX: Um, So, you think I should call ahead and see if there’s going any of them Hot Dog Bagels, she really likes those.
FOP: …

03.05.08

POP QUIZ!!!
This popular urban custom indicates:

a. Brett Favre retired; Patrick Swazye has 5 weeks to live.
b. Its "wake up time" for pilots of low flying aircraft.
c. Amy Winehouse deals...uh "lives" 2 streets over.
d. Payless™ is having another BOGO Sale.
e. All of the above

03.04.08

Although a tad pretentious, the new lighting in my office definitely makes my pecs look bigger.

03.03.08

It’s probably nothing… But I think your kid just ate the entire stash of Space Cakes in the company break room.*

*And oddly enough her mother does work here... so that passive aggressive sign on the fridge doesn't apply!

02.29.08

How to make someone (more specifically, myself) piddle their pants at 87mph.

02.28.08

Frozen Worms! Its what’s for dinner…
Again.

02.07.08

It doesn’t get more spectacular than this…
I mean if there were a few TownHomes, starting in the the low $200s of course, and an IKEA, it would be better… but overall, you know, its not bad.

02.26.08

HOT & READY!
Papa Silverfox™ home of the $2 box of wine and the $24 pizza.

02.25.08

Anyone know where I can pick up a flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts of power?

02.22.08

Sometimes a bit of color in the old tenement makes the price-gouging, domestic disputes, smell of raw sewage and shared bathrooms bearable.

02.21.08

A Moment of Science:
I know a dude who grows this stuff in his bathtub… and also, he has heated toilet water (100°C).

02.20.08

An ancient American legend promises that anyone who unfolds one thousand origami napkin cranes will be granted an overpriced dinner… and piss off at least 3 of the waiters.

02.19.08

RH: I have to run 3 miles for work.
FOP: Is this one of those Continuing Legal Education things?
RH: Everyone will see my sweet running shoes!!
FOP: “From Lawyer to Track Star: Personal Injury Law in a Nutshell” HA!
RH: How long do you think 3 miles will take?
FOP: You could probably pull it off in 30 minutes.
RH: That’s a 7-minute mile! That’s pretty fast.
FOP: …
RH: What?
FOP: I can’t believe you make more money than me.

02.18.08

Due to a ocular strain of the Ebola virus*, accompanied by a weekend quarantine, I ain’t got nuthin. Oh and also, if you are the president and you happen to read this, your doin' a bang-up job. You make all the other presidents jealous. No Really, you do!! Have a super-fantastic day.

* Yes, I have pictures. NO, I won’t show you.