05.21.08

FOR SALE Toto Hauler 3000™
Be the envy of old bittys everywhere! Great for commuting, stealing dogs and roughing up pesky neighbors. Financing available OAC.
Not responsible for any tornadoes and or flying monkeys resulting from reckless use of this product.

05.15.08

I just don’t think one dandelion warrants leaving a bag of flaming poop on your neighbors doorstep.
Three, possibly.

04.16.08

ex pong facto
Subsequent to receiving a Juris Doctor, law school graduates are required to participate in a state or provincial table tennis competition in order to practice law. This multi-state Ping Pong Tournament is a crucial component of the bar examination in almost all United States jurisdictions. Although seemingly innocuous, bloodshed and uncouth comments concerning opponents warm-up suits are highly probable.
I will now use the words scintilla and res judicata to reinforce the fact my intellect is far superior to yours. Good Day!

03.19.08

I was informed by an official government employee that he “waited” at work an additional 15 minutes in anticipation of a witty caption to accompany yesterdays photo and was “totally let down”.

Now, I am very aware that “waiting” is an elite assignment awarded to our nations most highly trained individuals, and I realize that those precious moments could have been spent Googling “midget farts”, researching “hobo mating rituals” or taking advantage of a "mandatory smoke break". So please, accept my sincerest apology for adding that additional .25 hours to your already strenuous 3.75 hr workday and for “totally letting you down.”

03.14.08

Hmm. Have I berated anyone for their inferior socioeconomic status today? No? Here hold my astonishing bulging billfold, I think I spot an unsavory chap over there.

03.13.08

I fought the log and the log won.

02.13.08

GOD: I’ve been thinking, and there aren’t enough douchebags walking the earth.
FOP: Hmmm? Are you sure? Look at all those cyclists in their tight pants on their expensive bikes.
GOD: True, but I think I’ll invent “skate skiing” for good measure.

01.08.08

In Other News: Sub Par Photography Reaches New Lows

$5 if you know what this is. Minus $5 if you tell me.

08.03.07

Sure its indiscriminate, but I think using rock/paper/scissors to decide who gets to sit up front and who has to “ride the Rhino Lining” has really started to strain our relationship…
Um, no, I don’t think drawing straws would make it better.

06.27.07

When you reach the top you will be issued a T-shirt and ONE pudding cup.
Thanks for participating.
That will be $800.