05.08.09

She’s puttin' the “hood” in motherhood.
You stay classy Ladyfox!
Love your guts!
Um, your shirt… what’s that all about?

05.07.09

5 things that scare me and have nothing to do with this photo:

1. Sea creatures (Not so much shrimp or lobsters, rather clams and mussels.)
2. Leprosy
3. Robots that look like humans
4. Empty booze bottles
5. Realizing my house is on fire while I’m in the shower

05.06.09

WANTED: Shot Guns and/or Chainsaws

This tree is beautiful.
My parking space is near this tree.
A bird with explosive diarrhea lives in this tree.

05.05.09

Olé!
It appears as though he smuggled both the cigar and the moustache across the border.

05.04.09

Five Stars
•Nachos! Now 25% Less Stale!
•Hotdogs! Not boiled in hose-water anymore!
•We obey "The 10 Second Rule" most of the time!

05.01.09

BURGERS BOOZE & BUSEY

WARNING: Gary Busey has been released from Celebrity Rehab and is looking for your booze!

Have a Busey-ful weekend!

04.30.09

I got nothing…
Except this was taken near a golf course…
And that America’s favorite alcoholic-come-golfer, John Daly, has been advised by his coach to, “avoid setting any goals for this year...”

I guess that means the “2009 Clubhouse Keg-Stand Championship” will be up for grabs.

04.29.09

Less than 24 hours old and already more hair than his pops.
Welcome Porter Jon Bunderson.

04.28.09

Air Traffic Control this is Speedbag 207. How do you suppose I land this thing?

Speedbag 207, might I suggest between the lines and rubber side down.

04.27.09

Sure, they hide Fido’s Pee Patches or Urine Burns or whatever you want to call them, but I just don’t think it's going to win you the "Lawn of the Year Award."

04.24.09

Choose your FOP caption:

1. Hey, guess what time it is? OLD LADY TIME!!!

- OR -

2. Pearl Jam • “Vs.” • Track 10

04.23.09

Politically Correct... Not so much.

FOP: I think I’ve got food poisoning.
RH: GROSS! What did you eat?
FOP: I ate somebody’s burrito from the Break Room fridge.
RH: Was it the fat chick’s?
FOP: YOU ARE SO MEAN. But yes.
RH: WTF! If the fat chick wouldn’t eat it, what made you think it was okay?

04.22.09

Rejected Earth Day Slogans:

• Pee Twice. Flush Once.
• Global warming smells like bacon.
• If Gary Busey can recycle, you can too.
• Chernobyl, was it really that bad?
• Organic! It’s only a little bit rotten.
• Save the Earth, Ride Uranus.

04.21.09

Beg your pardon, I done took a peek at some of them FOPs, but I reckon it uses too many of them cuss words.

04.20.09

Two roads diverged…
… and welp ya see, if you take this road over here, you’re gonna see some dead trees and shitty silos. BUT, if if you take that road over there, you’re gonna see some dead trees and shitty silos.

04.17.09

According to Penal Code Sec. 1191.76
Your book!
Your book!
Your book is on FIRE!

04.16.09

"90% of Football is Half Mental."

BOOM! John Madden is retiring after 30 YEARS in the Broadcast booth...

Wull crap. Who’s going to point out the subtle intricacies of the intellectually intense game of football?

04.15.09

Baseball's Biggest Fan!

FOP: How was the game?

RH: The best baseball game I ever went to!

FOP: 7th Inning Stretch? Peanuts and Cracker Jacks?

RH: Naw man, it was ‘Rained Out” we went and got enchiladas and drank margarita's!!!

FOP: You should get season tickets.

04.14.09

Sir! Why have thou not partaketh of my Beanos?

Madame! I regret to telleth, thou Beanos give me Gasos.

04.13.09

Watching THE MASTERS with the Ladyfox.

LdyFx: Ha! These golf fans are hilarious. They say some crazy things!

FOP: I can’t believe we are watching golf on Easter. Most people eat ham.

LdyFx: Well… I think we should try and be a little more “golf-like”.

FOP: Mom… yelling “GET IN THE HOLE!” across the dinner table is not something I really want to say to you.

04.10.09

Cock-Eyed?

Dude seriously, what’s wrong with your little brother?

Hell, I dunno man, I just came out here to get some growth hormone.

04.09.09

Leroy: Them scientists found that “brown fat”, you know, the kind around yer neck, burns more calories than the “white fat” like on yer boobs.

Boss: Hmph. I saw some boobs once on the Tee Vee.

Leroy: Yeah Boss, the interweb says they makin’ a “brown fat pill” to help trim yer waistline.

Boss: That so? Done guess I’d better be orderin’ another pair o these stainless steel slip-hook suspenders.

04.08.09

The Four Little Pigs: What really happened.

The first little pig built his house out of straw.
The second little pig built his house out of sticks.
The third little pig built his house out of bricks.
The forth little pig built his house out of asbestos clapboard… needless to say the big bad wolf got lung cancer and couldn’t blow any houses down.

04.07.09

Broken…
Sometimes you’re the shovel.
Sometimes you’re the hole.
Sometimes you’re both.

04.06.09

A view from the GoodYear!

04.03.09

MUST SEE INSIDE!

• Spacious wood-paneled rooms
• Electrical outlet
• Contemporary wire window coverings
• A bag of something
• Sheet metal entry
• Organic floor covering

CALL TODAY! And receive a Chain-Thingy ABSOLUTELY FREE!

04.02.09

I miss global warming.

04.01.09

Happy April Fool(s) Day.
Celebrate like you mean it.

03.31.09

Dr. WTF!, MD

Doc: Have you ever considered genetic therapy?
FOP: You mean like Alcoholic Anonymous?
Doc: Heh, funny. It is really expensive.
FOP: I’ve got money up the wazoo… didn’t you just check that?
Doc: Right. The results may make you less insurable.
FOP: I’m not seeing the health benefits here…
Doc: They can pinpoint all your genetic mutations and tell what you’ll die of!!!
FOP: Kind of like going back to high school. Sounds Great! Sign me up!

03.30.09

I’m going to take a cholesterol test this afternoon.I have been preparing for a long time and am sure to receive the highest score possible.

03.26.08

When the weather outside is frightful... I want to cut myself.
Enough is enough.

03.25.09

Dear Neighbor,
Thanks for getting cable.
Regards,
FOP

03.24.09

Hey Ladies!

Break out those “I [Heart] Almanzo” T-shirts.
It’s Little House on the Prairie time!

03.23.09

I know! I know!
I find it upsetting that they let Nicholas Cage make another movie too!

03.20.09

Speaking of spring.
Have a lovely weekend!

03.19.09

RH: THEY CLOSED THE SPRING!
FOP: Huh?
RH: Remember when we went camping and got water from that spring?
FOP: That “water” I didn’t drink?
RH: Yeah. I guess they found high levels of coliform bacteria in it.
FOP: Shocking.

03.18.09

DayQuil
+NyQuil
I can't feel my face.

03.17.09

Speaking of the commercialization of holidays, I think youngsters are just using St. Patrick's Day as another sorry excuse to eat cabbage.

03.16.09

ALEX: Answer in the form of a question please.

FOP: What are "Things Old People Like"?

03.13.09

Dear March-
I find your fickle weather patterns thoroughly disgusting.
Good Day-
FOP

03.12.09

season of rebirth
buds peek through thawing soil
pee smells like hobos

03.11.09

Well, after yesterday, hows about a midweek palate cleanse?

03.10.09

Just feel.

No.

Puuuhlease

No.

I just want to see if you can tell.

Fine.

Well???

No, I can’t tell that you are wearing Windstopper™ Underpants.

03.09.09

It’s time for another edition of:
Creepy Stuff That My Parents Own!

Creepy Item #4824
They keep in the basement…
Next to the artifacts they stole from an Indian Burial Ground.

03.06.09

LdyFx: We are in The Depression.

FOP: How do you know?

LdyFx: Well, I read that men in Japan who’ve lost their jobs still put on their suits and pretend to go to work. BUT INSTEAD OF GOING TO WORK, they go sit on a park bench for 8 hours.

FOP: Wow. I wonder if that’s what dad is doing?

Ldy Fx: Don’t be silly, he doesn’t have a suit.


Happy Birthday Mom!

03.05.09

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord...


DUDE SOME ONE IN THE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT IS GOING TO GET AN ASS WHUPPIN' FOR THIS ONE!

03.04.09

What I learned at Space Camp

Q: Are there Klingons around Uranus?

A: Nope, I wash thoroughly!

03.03.09

A question for the ages:

In a variety box of instant oatmeal, does any one ever eat the Plain packets?

That is all.

03.02.09

It’s Hammer Time Y’all!

HDub: Guess Who I just met in the Breakroom.
FOP: Vin Diesel? Axl Rose? The water skiing squirrel?
HDub: No. Robert Matthew Van Winkle.
FOP: …?
HDub: Vanilla Ice
FOP: HOLY NUTS. That’s right he and M.C. Hammer are here in concert!!!
HDub: I know right!
FOP: Did you ask him what it was like to know that he convinced millions of teenage boys it was cool to shave designs in their eyebrows?
HDub: Naw man I heard he punched a kid once.