09.25.08

How did I get this cool?
Well everything you need to know is in this wine glass here…
And by “wine glass” I mean “Pure Ethanol 96.6% Glass”.

09.24.08

America’s worst kept secret:
Crocs™ and Clay Aiken™ are gay.

09.23.08

Great Marketing Opportunity
Reply to: presidential.gigs-FOP092308@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-09-23, 4:00PM MDT

Presidential Candidate seeks rural hicktown café in Nowhere, America as to publicly rub shoulders with people who shop at WalMart, empathize with unemployed factory workers and mingle with ailing or infirm elderly residents of the community. Why? Because they “are just like one of you!”

• It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Straight Talk and/or Change

PostingID: FOP092308

09.22.08

OMG YOU GUYS!
HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS RELATIVE HUMIDITY!!!

(sigh)

09.21.08

09.20.08

09.19.08

Ripped from the headlines:
“PETA Roaring Mad as U.S. Consumption of Tigers Blood Reaches All Time High.”

09.18.08

5 Ways YOU can observe the Silverfox’s birthday:

1. Buy a box of wine… the red kind… and drink it from a Solo Cup.

2. Haggle with someone… Car salesman, bank teller, UPS guy, DMV, etc.

3. If you see some one with something expensive (ie. a boat, a truck, a pair of shoes) mumble to yourself “How did they afford that?”

4. Make the logo smaller.

5. Wear you pants just a smidge (8” or so) above your belly button.

Happy Birthday Dad!

09.17.08

Things to do today:
1. Eat sweater.
2. Make hurricane in China.
3. Attack porch lamp.

09.16.08

I think my favorite part of a car chase is when they hit the fruit cart… cuz man, what a mess!

09.15.08

I kissed a carny and I liked it
It tasted like cabbage and bean dip.
I kissed a carny just to try it
No teeth, just grease, didn't mind it.
It smelled so wrong
It felt so right.
I’m sleepin’ in the tilt-a-whirl tonight
I kissed a carny and I liked it.
I liked it.

09.12.08

Forlorn Wiener Friday
Happy Weekend!

09.11.08

NEW! On the Discovery Channel: Esquires vs. Wild

Three white-collared attorneys are dropped into harsh, unforgiving legal situations around the globe, from class B misdemeanors and deed transfers to interlocutory appeals and baby-daddy disputes, left to prove their mental superiority. Our heroes will be forced to edit macros, time stamp documents, fend off office cougar attacks and drink fluids extracted from rhinoceros feces.

Tune in tonight and see The Esquires as they face the toughest challenge yet… talking to poor people!

09.10.08

We all live downstream… from an elephant… with severe diarrhea.

09.09.08

Looks SWEET! What’s it sound like?
Imagine if Steve McQueen fell face first into a pile of midlife crisis…
it sounds sort of like that.

09.08.08

This weekend the Silverfox and Ladyfox celebrated 40 glorious years of holy matrimony. (Apparently back then, you could get married at the tender age of 13).

40 years is an impressive amount of time, so I asked the Silverfox what the secret was to keeping the Ladyfox happy all these years. Here is what he said:


1. Keep her hydrated.



2. Take her on exotic vacations.



3. Show her you love her.



4. Let her ride up front… every once in a while.



5. Finally, the most important key to keeping the Ladyfox happy, HAVING TOTALLY AWESOME HAIR... Honestly. I mean look at it, its glorious.

Happy Anniversary you crazy kids, keep up the good work.

09.05.08

An excerpt from “What Alcoholism Means to You?”

RH: I think I might have had too much booze.
HDub*: Naw, you’re fine.
RH: Well, how do you know when you’re drunk.
HDub: Typically, I can’t feel my face.

* Have a lovely birthday weekend HDub! Thanks for being constant source of witty and incredibly foul entertainment.

09.04.08

This is all i got in me today kids.
Sorry.

09.03.08

You swerved to miss a penguin? Um yeah dad, I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to fly. Now, lets get these PBR cans picked up before the sheriff gets here.

09.02.08

Local Weatherman says:
“Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer.”

Local FOP says:
“Tuesday, the unofficial end of Monday."

09.01.08

Whats that smell?
Rumor has it, this same gust of wind blew 49,000 hippies out of Burning Man this weekend.

08.29.08

BARNYARD WEEK! Day #5


SALLY STRUTHERS & FOP BEG YOU TO SAVE THIS LLAMA
Share Your Love. Become a Llama Sponsor

Hello there,

Right now, all over the world, llamas are hurting. They are suffering from the embarrassment of that whole Neverland Ranch gig and the emotional stress of being Jacko’s Cozy Sleepover Friends. In addition to being "Jacko-horse-monkey-kitten-bunny hybrids", these genetic catastrophes are being robbed of their most basic need… dignity. In many celebrity petting zoos, 4 out of 5 llamas will die from humiliation within the next two years.

All that is needed is someone who will look into the eyes of a needy llama and say, 'Yes, I will help.'

Someone like you.

It doesn't have to be this way. Right now, living, breathing llamas need your love… and money. Please, find it within your heart and wallet to become a Save the Llama sponsor, and for as little as 39 cents a day (or about the cost of a Van Halen Reunion Tour concert ticket), you can help stop the suffering and give a deserving llama a better life today, and a chance for the future. Imagine the excitement when we tell a llama that someone wants to make a difference in its life!

Your tax-deductible contribution can be sent directly to me, FOP.

The life of a llama is all too short. Extend a hand, and extend the hope.

08.28.08

BARNYARD WEEK: Day #4
The goat’s got WEED! He got WEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!

08.27.08

BARNYARD WEEK: Day #3
Hey bro.
_____What up dawg?
You holding?
_____Yeah doode, I got some tin cans, a shoe lace and some bits of cloth.
Right on.

08.26.08

BARNYARD WEEK: Day #2

FOP (age 5): Dad, where does booze come from?
SLVFX: Inebriated cows.

08.25.08

What time is it when a chicken sits on a fence?
BARNYARD WEEK TIME! That’s what time it is!

08.22.08

OLYMPIC FACT
Badminton: Apparently NOT just for drunk people at family reunions. Who knew?
Thank you Beijing!

08.21.08

ALOHA!
I will gyrate seductively and you will travel 3,000 miles to buy overpriced chocolate covered macadamia nuts for your family and friends

08.20.08

ARRRRGH! Booty Profits Down 36%
Despite looking overseas for much of their swag, area pirates admit rough economic times have hurt the business of swashbuckling.

08.19.08

Hey everybody!
I have a friend who moved here from the east coast.
Tewksbury, Massachusetts, to be exact.
This is his lawn.
That’s all.

08.18.08

WARNING: This is boring...
And erroneously construed as funny when used as a middle name.


Sorry.

08.17.08

08.16.08

08.15.08

FOP: Hey dad, what’s up?

SLVFX: Thinking of a description for this new batch of wine.

FOP: How’s this, “Ripe, rich and round, with lots of spicy, earth-scented black cherry and berry flavors, hinting deliciously at chocolate on the smooth finish”?

SLVFX: A bit pretentious don’t you think?

FOP: Hmm, Well there’s always “Rich, boozey flavors commingled with fruity undertones sure to delight your palate.

SLVFX: Not really my style.

FOP: What about “Hey y’all! I done remembered to wash the birdshit off them grapes this time!”

08.14.08

RIDDLE ME THIS:
It runs your car AND gives you the runs!
What is it?

08.13.08

Appetizers!
It’s what’s for dinner!
When your date is ugly!

08.12.08

SCIENTIFIC FACT:
37% of the liquid in that last gulp of your drink is backwash.
Just thought you should know.

08.11.08

Despite rising transportation costs, the Hobo tourism industry remains relatively unaffected.

08.08.08

Man, this NatureLift 2000™ is wicked cool! What are we going to do when we get to the top?

Probably stand on a rock, drink some booze, pee on a tree and smoke some weed.

08.07.08

You know the old saying:
“If the boot fits... your buddies probably call you Skeeter, and you have cars on your front lawn.”

08.06.08

Ah! Little grasshopper you have much to learn…

…for 4 payments of $35.99, some bat-crazy loon name Kevin Trudeau will provide you a revolutionary book filled with Everything "They" Don't Want You To Know About. Where in you will learn of government’s plot to eradicate the human race and replace them with beings spawn from the loins of Tom Cruise.

08.05.08

This mortgage crisis is hard on everyone, in fact, I think I just foreclosed on your lawn.

08.04.08

Come on y'all lets take a ride...
Uh, slide slide slippity-slide.

08.01.08

A demonstration, please.
How to establish yourself as a “NASCAR Super Fan”.


Click to enlarge the play by play.