02.14.08

With this box of candy you are telling me you want to hear my perspectives on such intimate topics as foreign policy, politics and the current economic climate… it also implies you like it when I incessantly ask you “What are you thinking about?”

02.13.08

GOD: I’ve been thinking, and there aren’t enough douchebags walking the earth.
FOP: Hmmm? Are you sure? Look at all those cyclists in their tight pants on their expensive bikes.
GOD: True, but I think I’ll invent “skate skiing” for good measure.

02.12.08

Warren Miller once said,
“You can't get hurt skiing; unless you fall.”

Not to be out done by John Madden who said,
“Hey Al, you ever kick a bag of bolts? BOOM!”

02.11.08

Horizon? We don't need no stinkin' horizon!!!!!

02.08.08

“How to Get Your Money’s Worth”
Featuring the Silverfox

FOP: Hey. Nice sweatsuit, are you going to workout?
SFX: No, just getting ready to have a glass of wine.
FOP: Are you sure there’s enough?
SFX: HA! Do cows give milk?
FOP: Maybe you should stretch or something
SFX: I am an expert when it comes to this.
FOP: Well, try not to pull anything like last time.
SFX: Have you seen my favorite glass?

02.07.08

Hi! Yes, please have a seat. I will now entertain you with something called a “Yo Mama!" joke. Are you familiar with them?

02.06.08

All Violators Will Be Snowed

Badump Ching!

02.05.08

NEW & IMPROVED!
The Emo Knife™ SET ONLY $19.99
Since knives are one of the most important tools in your sad sad life, its important to invest in quality. These Emo Knives™ will never lose their edge. They will never dull and they have a lifetime guarantee. The right set of knives will help chop and slice more efficiently, leaving you more time to reflect on why you are too fat to fit in your girl pants. Look like a pro with Emo Knives™. The comfort grip handle allows for maximum usability. The razor sharp blades will never dull no matter how many things you slice, carve, dice, or cut.
SUPPLIES LIMITED! Order before its too late!

02.04.08

Did you make the Ground Hog Day party this weekend?

Hells yeah. It was off the hook dogg.

Doode, I heard Phil was totally wasted.

Man, my boy was rippin’ it up on the dance floor. Couple shots and he’s all getting’ down with his bad-self.

Speaking of, has anybody seen Phil lately?

Uh, last time I saw him he was “Bringing Sexy Back” allover the front lawn…

02.01.08

Hey you! HEY! Yeah you!
Quit pooping on my window!

01.31.08

We should probably stop and get wiper fluid.
We don’t need wiper fluid.
I dunno, looks like it might snow, and..
We don’t need wiper fluid.
You know just to be on the safe…
WE DON’T NEED WIPER FLUID ALL RIGHT!

01.29.08

If you have two eyes*, close one and squint with the other, and magically it will appear as though the inside lights go to the outside… and also, your coworkers will think you are creepy.

*For those of you with one eye… well you can close it, its kind of a sucky picture anyway.

01.28.08

UPDATE: Campaign ‘08
3 Kennedy’s say they "endorse Barack Obama for president!"
The remaining Kennedy’s are “pretty sure he stole their ‘good’ booze.”

01.25.08

A sampling from my private collection.
Have magical weekend kids!

01.24.08

Booty-shorts.
A pole.
Red shoes.
A dirty floor.
Uh... knee pads?

01.23.08

RH: Oh, so telling you to pack your camera up thousands of feet so you can take my picture making some sweet turns in the fresh Pow Pow makes ME a total douchebag?

FOP: Well, no more than the time you asked me to clean out your basement so you could build a wine cellar... Oooh, or that time you threw a frozen roll at a waitress.

01.22.07

What my soul looks like upon being called into a late afternoon meeting.
Weep for me.

01.21.08

HEY EVERYBODY!!!!
I KNOW YOU AREN'T "WORKING FROM HOME" TODAY!

01.18.08

A survey conducted by British researchers ‘discovered’ 99% of infants, children, teens, adults, seniors, schizophrenics, people in vegetative states, mass murderers, Marilyn Manson and dog killers find circus clowns scary, creepy and down-right disturbing. The remaining 1% smell like cabbage and will chose the seat next to you on an empty bus.

*I deserve "Bravery Points" for this one... and also, yes, random things like this happen to me all the time.

01.17.08

In 2.5 minutes, the temperatures of my office and the dark side of the moon will be exactly the same!

01.16.08

Welcome to Skiing 101!
We’ve sectioned off an area of the mountain so you don’t feel threatened by the more experience riders. Now, if everyone will take the pizza-wedge stance we’ll get started.

01.15.08

Ditchin’ the corn-pipe & button nose,
For 24” spinnas’ and booty ho’s!
Toot toot! Beep beep!
Awww yeah.

Thumpetty thump thump, thumpety thump thump!

01.14.08

ATTENTION!!! Suffers of Seasonal Affective Disorder!
Just a friendly reminder to refill the Bupropion and warm up the fluorescent lamps. You won't be seeing this anytime soon.
Toot Toot!

01.11.08

Reasons I could have jumped this week:
1. Asked if cell phone came with Zack Morris.
2. Found job on the list of “Least Secure Careers for 2008.”
3. Informed favorite male figure skater traded in “Puffy Shirt” for halo.*
4. Told I resemble Rosie O’Donnell… but in a good way.

Reason I didn’t:
AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS BACK!!! Are you warrior ENOUGH?


*Good night sweet prince.

01.10.08

A scenario...

You're waiting in line for nachos & a Dew at the Seven-11.
A ‘dude’ in a tiny crop top sweater is in front of you.
‘Dude’ tops off his 64oz. BladderBuster.
'Dude' turns to you and asks, “Want to see my panties.”

Right, like that would ever happen.

SMASSH!

01.09.08

According to a recent poll conducted by Dan Jones & Associates, area homeowners have shoveled their walkways 364 times* this winter.

* ±6% margin of error

01.08.08

In Other News: Sub Par Photography Reaches New Lows

$5 if you know what this is. Minus $5 if you tell me.

01.07.08

Well, I for one am glad that the McRib is back. I mean, not to make light of Bessie and the other gals in the Processing Dept., but one more day on this “Alfalfa Sprout Diet” and I may have to butcher myself.

01.04.08

HEY EVERYBODY! OVER HERE!

You can't see it. It's electric!
You gotta feel it. It's electric!
Ooh, it's shakin'. It's electric!

Are you comin' with me?
Come let me take you on a party ride
And I'll teach you, teach you, teach you!

It's electric. Boogie woogie, woogie.

01.03.08

RP: I’m so freaking excited, today is the IOWA CAUCUS!!!

BH: What the hell kind of place is this? Have you seen my Purelle®?

RP: Since 1972, the Iowa Caucus has been the first major electoral event of the nominating process for President of the United States.

BH: What’s that vile smell?

RP: It serves as an early indication of which candidates for President might win the nomination of their political party at their respective national conventions.

BH: Do you think there are poor people here?

RP: This year is set to be a dooooozie with the Democrats heading into it with a virtual three-way tie!

BH: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANCAKES!!!!!

01.02.08

After much debate and several strenuous calculations, the Winner of the 3rd Annual "Who's 'Happy New Year' Text is Closest to 12:00AM" has been determined.*

Thanks to all of you who continue to wake me up on this anticlimactic "holiday"! I am looking to sponsor this contest next year, stay tuned for details.

* Honestly, I don't think I know this person.

12.31.07

The traditional New Years fridge.*
* The bottled water is just for show.

12.28.07

I'm pretty sure this is what my veins currently look like.

12.27.07

Rejected taglines for PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves)
Elves...

• Slightly less creepy than clowns.
  
• Get them, before they GET YOU.
  
• Inventors of the triangle Q-Tip.
  
• Using pointy shoes to kill baby seals since 1408.

12.26.07

December 26th
In Canada they call it "Boxing Day."
In the U.S. they call it "No Really, I'm 'Working' From Home Day."

12.24.07

How it all went down. Really….

“It’s like, one day I was just chillin’ in the House of David, and the next thing you know I’m the winner of 'Who Wants to be America’s Next Top Virgin Mother of Christ?' Dude, Joe is never going to believe this!“

Merry Christmas Y’all.

12.21.07

I still done wonders how they get 'em so straight with out a lick of duct tape?

12.20.07

There’s never been a better time:

Silverfox: I’m going to make this a December to Remember!
FOP: Oh, it will be memorable alright.
SiFo: They Ladyfox will be speechless, just like in the commercials.
FOP: Dad! Just because it has a combustion engine doesn’t mean…
SiFo: Now where do you suppose we get one of them big red bows?

12.19.07

Visually OxyMoronic
Although well-intentioned, Leroy’s attempt at promoting energy conservation via the use of wind power had area environmentalists outraged.

12.18.07

Winter Hobo. A Haiku.

the hobo’s playground
smell of urine still lingers
a knapsack, empty

12.14.07

I'll have the bowl of chilled Ketchup please. What do you mean "am I serious"?

12.13.07

NEW! Westside street signs encourage area pedestrians to:

A. Walk on.
B. Rock on.
C. Feel the Love.
D. All of the above.

12.12.07

10 seasons later...
Minus the neon green bibs and rear-entry, white/pink Barbie boots, everything else is pretty much the same. Poop.

12.11.07

Hey guys, guess what time it is?
It's freaking
LAMP TIME!

Yeah sorry.

11.10.07

Ahhhhhh, the Company Christmas Party...
Lets hark back to that one time when I told the boss his son resembled a cheap transvestite and then proceeded to hide smoked oysters in the pockets of all the coats stashed in the bedroom.

11.07.07

Yeah, so when I am done here I’ll probably end up hanging over your mom’s door or mantel or something!

12.06.07

I’m gonna be honest, I spent a majority of the day trying to figure out what the phrase “give morning the burrito” means. The rest of the time I was doing this….

12.05.07

There are times when the view from my apartment reminds me that occasionally stepping on syringes and finding dead bodies in dumpsters isn't really soooo bad.

12.04.07

A disturbing, yet simple way, to ensure you will never be subject to your company's "Random Drug Test Policy"... Again.

12.03.07

Finally!
The Spice Girls Reunion Tour has begun!
Toot Toot!