03.31.09

Dr. WTF!, MD

Doc: Have you ever considered genetic therapy?
FOP: You mean like Alcoholic Anonymous?
Doc: Heh, funny. It is really expensive.
FOP: I’ve got money up the wazoo… didn’t you just check that?
Doc: Right. The results may make you less insurable.
FOP: I’m not seeing the health benefits here…
Doc: They can pinpoint all your genetic mutations and tell what you’ll die of!!!
FOP: Kind of like going back to high school. Sounds Great! Sign me up!

03.30.09

I’m going to take a cholesterol test this afternoon.I have been preparing for a long time and am sure to receive the highest score possible.

03.26.08

When the weather outside is frightful... I want to cut myself.
Enough is enough.

03.25.09

Dear Neighbor,
Thanks for getting cable.
Regards,
FOP

03.24.09

Hey Ladies!

Break out those “I [Heart] Almanzo” T-shirts.
It’s Little House on the Prairie time!

03.23.09

I know! I know!
I find it upsetting that they let Nicholas Cage make another movie too!

03.20.09

Speaking of spring.
Have a lovely weekend!

03.19.09

RH: THEY CLOSED THE SPRING!
FOP: Huh?
RH: Remember when we went camping and got water from that spring?
FOP: That “water” I didn’t drink?
RH: Yeah. I guess they found high levels of coliform bacteria in it.
FOP: Shocking.

03.18.09

DayQuil
+NyQuil
I can't feel my face.

03.17.09

Speaking of the commercialization of holidays, I think youngsters are just using St. Patrick's Day as another sorry excuse to eat cabbage.

03.16.09

ALEX: Answer in the form of a question please.

FOP: What are "Things Old People Like"?

03.13.09

Dear March-
I find your fickle weather patterns thoroughly disgusting.
Good Day-
FOP

03.12.09

season of rebirth
buds peek through thawing soil
pee smells like hobos

03.11.09

Well, after yesterday, hows about a midweek palate cleanse?

03.10.09

Just feel.

No.

Puuuhlease

No.

I just want to see if you can tell.

Fine.

Well???

No, I can’t tell that you are wearing Windstopper™ Underpants.

03.09.09

It’s time for another edition of:
Creepy Stuff That My Parents Own!

Creepy Item #4824
They keep in the basement…
Next to the artifacts they stole from an Indian Burial Ground.

03.06.09

LdyFx: We are in The Depression.

FOP: How do you know?

LdyFx: Well, I read that men in Japan who’ve lost their jobs still put on their suits and pretend to go to work. BUT INSTEAD OF GOING TO WORK, they go sit on a park bench for 8 hours.

FOP: Wow. I wonder if that’s what dad is doing?

Ldy Fx: Don’t be silly, he doesn’t have a suit.


Happy Birthday Mom!

03.05.09

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord...


DUDE SOME ONE IN THE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT IS GOING TO GET AN ASS WHUPPIN' FOR THIS ONE!

03.04.09

What I learned at Space Camp

Q: Are there Klingons around Uranus?

A: Nope, I wash thoroughly!

03.03.09

A question for the ages:

In a variety box of instant oatmeal, does any one ever eat the Plain packets?

That is all.

03.02.09

It’s Hammer Time Y’all!

HDub: Guess Who I just met in the Breakroom.
FOP: Vin Diesel? Axl Rose? The water skiing squirrel?
HDub: No. Robert Matthew Van Winkle.
FOP: …?
HDub: Vanilla Ice
FOP: HOLY NUTS. That’s right he and M.C. Hammer are here in concert!!!
HDub: I know right!
FOP: Did you ask him what it was like to know that he convinced millions of teenage boys it was cool to shave designs in their eyebrows?
HDub: Naw man I heard he punched a kid once.