01.31.08

We should probably stop and get wiper fluid.
We don’t need wiper fluid.
I dunno, looks like it might snow, and..
We don’t need wiper fluid.
You know just to be on the safe…
WE DON’T NEED WIPER FLUID ALL RIGHT!

01.29.08

If you have two eyes*, close one and squint with the other, and magically it will appear as though the inside lights go to the outside… and also, your coworkers will think you are creepy.

*For those of you with one eye… well you can close it, its kind of a sucky picture anyway.

01.28.08

UPDATE: Campaign ‘08
3 Kennedy’s say they "endorse Barack Obama for president!"
The remaining Kennedy’s are “pretty sure he stole their ‘good’ booze.”

01.25.08

A sampling from my private collection.
Have magical weekend kids!

01.24.08

Booty-shorts.
A pole.
Red shoes.
A dirty floor.
Uh... knee pads?

01.23.08

RH: Oh, so telling you to pack your camera up thousands of feet so you can take my picture making some sweet turns in the fresh Pow Pow makes ME a total douchebag?

FOP: Well, no more than the time you asked me to clean out your basement so you could build a wine cellar... Oooh, or that time you threw a frozen roll at a waitress.

01.22.07

What my soul looks like upon being called into a late afternoon meeting.
Weep for me.

01.21.08

HEY EVERYBODY!!!!
I KNOW YOU AREN'T "WORKING FROM HOME" TODAY!

01.18.08

A survey conducted by British researchers ‘discovered’ 99% of infants, children, teens, adults, seniors, schizophrenics, people in vegetative states, mass murderers, Marilyn Manson and dog killers find circus clowns scary, creepy and down-right disturbing. The remaining 1% smell like cabbage and will chose the seat next to you on an empty bus.

*I deserve "Bravery Points" for this one... and also, yes, random things like this happen to me all the time.

01.17.08

In 2.5 minutes, the temperatures of my office and the dark side of the moon will be exactly the same!

01.16.08

Welcome to Skiing 101!
We’ve sectioned off an area of the mountain so you don’t feel threatened by the more experience riders. Now, if everyone will take the pizza-wedge stance we’ll get started.

01.15.08

Ditchin’ the corn-pipe & button nose,
For 24” spinnas’ and booty ho’s!
Toot toot! Beep beep!
Awww yeah.

Thumpetty thump thump, thumpety thump thump!

01.14.08

ATTENTION!!! Suffers of Seasonal Affective Disorder!
Just a friendly reminder to refill the Bupropion and warm up the fluorescent lamps. You won't be seeing this anytime soon.
Toot Toot!

01.11.08

Reasons I could have jumped this week:
1. Asked if cell phone came with Zack Morris.
2. Found job on the list of “Least Secure Careers for 2008.”
3. Informed favorite male figure skater traded in “Puffy Shirt” for halo.*
4. Told I resemble Rosie O’Donnell… but in a good way.

Reason I didn’t:
AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS BACK!!! Are you warrior ENOUGH?


*Good night sweet prince.

01.10.08

A scenario...

You're waiting in line for nachos & a Dew at the Seven-11.
A ‘dude’ in a tiny crop top sweater is in front of you.
‘Dude’ tops off his 64oz. BladderBuster.
'Dude' turns to you and asks, “Want to see my panties.”

Right, like that would ever happen.

SMASSH!

01.09.08

According to a recent poll conducted by Dan Jones & Associates, area homeowners have shoveled their walkways 364 times* this winter.

* ±6% margin of error

01.08.08

In Other News: Sub Par Photography Reaches New Lows

$5 if you know what this is. Minus $5 if you tell me.

01.07.08

Well, I for one am glad that the McRib is back. I mean, not to make light of Bessie and the other gals in the Processing Dept., but one more day on this “Alfalfa Sprout Diet” and I may have to butcher myself.

01.04.08

HEY EVERYBODY! OVER HERE!

You can't see it. It's electric!
You gotta feel it. It's electric!
Ooh, it's shakin'. It's electric!

Are you comin' with me?
Come let me take you on a party ride
And I'll teach you, teach you, teach you!

It's electric. Boogie woogie, woogie.

01.03.08

RP: I’m so freaking excited, today is the IOWA CAUCUS!!!

BH: What the hell kind of place is this? Have you seen my Purelle®?

RP: Since 1972, the Iowa Caucus has been the first major electoral event of the nominating process for President of the United States.

BH: What’s that vile smell?

RP: It serves as an early indication of which candidates for President might win the nomination of their political party at their respective national conventions.

BH: Do you think there are poor people here?

RP: This year is set to be a dooooozie with the Democrats heading into it with a virtual three-way tie!

BH: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANCAKES!!!!!

01.02.08

After much debate and several strenuous calculations, the Winner of the 3rd Annual "Who's 'Happy New Year' Text is Closest to 12:00AM" has been determined.*

Thanks to all of you who continue to wake me up on this anticlimactic "holiday"! I am looking to sponsor this contest next year, stay tuned for details.

* Honestly, I don't think I know this person.