10.31.07

The man who built a snowman out of rain and put the "laughter" in to manslaughter, wants you have a Happy Halloween... or he will strangle you with a cordless phone.

Trick-or-Chuck!

10.30.07

TO: Costume Closet Inc.
FROM: K. Federline

SUBJECT: Suggested disclaimers to be considered for the Britney Spears "Have any of y'all seen my nappy weave?" Halloween Costume.

1. No user-serviceable parts inside
2. Not responsible for lost or abandoned children
3. For recreational use only
4. If condition persists discontinue use
5. Future reproduction strictly prohibited.
6. Panties not included

10.29.07

You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have trees with frickin' laser beams attached to their leaves!
Now my colleague informs me that that cannot be done?
Would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly?

10.26.07

Witch Week: Day 5
With eye of newt and frosty beer,
Lets make witch week disappear!

10.25.07

Witch Week: Day 4
I just flew in from Salem and boy am I “burned out”...

Heh ... Uhhh...

You ever wonder why you see a lot of pregnant witches this time of year?
Too many Hallo-Weenies!!!

Ba-DUM CHING!!

Mmmm Yeah... Okay, send in the flying monkies.

10.24.07

Witch Week: Day 3

Mystical photo tell me true
How to be a witch as charmed as you?

Buck-teefs with a corset a bit too tight,
And make-up applied by a transvestite.

10.23.07

Witch Week: Day 2
HAYYYYYYYY Y'AALLLL!
Cooter 'n' Skeeter here. Ozark Coven REPRESENT!
When we get done writtin' some spells on the back of this here Denny's Menu, we done gonna show ya'all how to floss with a garden hose!!! YEEEEEE HAWWWW!

10.22.07

Hey kids, it's time to grow out that mole hair!!!
Prepare yourselves for...
WITCH WEEK 2007!

You're kind of excited right? The guys in corporate think this is a bad idea...

10.21.07

I love being on salary... and I like cutting myself.

10.20.07

I love work! Worky, work, work. Here I go, going to do some work!

K, so what i meant by "see you back here in 48 hours" was "see you tomorrow!"

10.19.07

Hey great job this week everyone!!!
No, really, I can tell you gave it your all and I appreciate that... not enough to give you money for it of course, how 'bout a couple of these instead.
Okay, then we'll see you in 48 hours.

10.18.07

Romper, stomper, domper do!
Show me, show me, show me who!
Magic bong show me clear, who is having fun with beer...

I can see Rob and Mark and Ashley, there’s Ali and Bob. Oh and I can see John and Pappy too!

10.17.07

Sooooo cute, where did you get it?

Would you believe behind the dumpster at a Home Depot in exchange for a 12-gauge shotgun and a wooden swing set?

No.

Fine, technically it wasn’t behind the dumpster.

10.16.07

Sometimes the beauty of nature takes my breath away…
and then I realize its probably not the nature, so much as I had cabbage for dinner.

10.15.07

Every time you hear a twang...
a deformed, albino hillbilly gets to crawl out from under the porch!

10.12.07

I think the real question here is, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it mean Chuck Norris killed you before or after he roundhouse kicked the tree?

10.11.07

What is it? Well, I would tell you but I would have to, uhhhhhh kill you… and probably stop smoking the weed… but not necessarily in that order. Um, dooooode, I’m confused again. Hey you got any M&Ms?

10.10.07

On "Schnizel Night", I vill vear das leather pantaloons and zwee vill dance to Herr Hasslehoff!

10.09.07

'Tis the season...
To start wearing socks with your sandals!

10.08.07

Dear Valued Customer-

Thank you for purchasing Wookiees Gone Wild™. We here at WGW are sure you will enjoy the 2 disc collectors edition DVD and commemorative poster. We understand material of this nature may make you the laughing stock company mailroom and recognize your desire for privacy. Your purchase will arrive in a discrete white priority packing envelope to ensure your wookiee desires are kept COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL.

Regards,
Chewie
Wookiee Wildness Inc., CEO

10.05.07

This weekend, make your party super cool with Crackers!

10.04.07

Mother Nature says: It’s time for winter!

Mother FOP says: It’s time for my lithium… Um, I think a chicken sat on my car.

10.03.07

Area Bachelor Officially Relinquishes Title as Cruise Activities Director & Ties Knot in Beachside Ceremony.

The man who brought you this and this is getting married as we speak… in HAWAII!

“Yeah it’s kind of crazy,” reports a close friend, “I asked if he wanted to play some poker, drink a few beers and he said, ‘Ssssssth, yeah me and the lady, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if I’ll have enough time.’ It was really weird.”

Many claim the wedding was staged as a "media ploy" intended to convince the public that just because your last girlfriend looked like Richard Nixon doesn’t mean you're screwed for life.

“Hey I know that guy! That asshole lived in my basement!” exclaimed former roommate Bob upon hearing the news. “Man the last time I saw him he was running up and down the stairs like a mad hyena shouting ‘I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles.’ What was that all about?”

At this time CIA Intelligence cannot confirm where the couple will call home upon returning to the mainland, however it was revealed that they would have a happy, gluten-free life together.

Anyway, Blah blah blah.
Congratulations Old Friend!
mazel tov!

* The man who is featured today never reads/sees this but hey its a cute pic

10.02.07

I mean honestly, if you knew that for the next 15 minutes, you could eat whatever you found on the floor, how would you react?

10.01.07

Tag lines rejected by the Fall Foliage Association for the 2007 “Leaves!” campaign:

"LEAVES! ___________________!"
• Old people love ‘em
• Autumn’s cliché
• It’s that crap in your gutter
• Photographed more often than sunsets and 'golf ball sized hail'