09.06.06

Speaking of world records:
The Silverfox and Ladyfox decided to take the matrimonial plunge. The REAL Elvis performed the ceremony, which is NUTS, seeing as how I didn’t know Las Vegas had even been invented 38 years ago.
Keep up the good work kids!

09.05.06

So remember that time I got to meet Justin Timberlake after he caught my panties at the N’Sync Concert?
K, well, this is 100 times cooler!

*This is Lee Redmond. She is a fantastic woman who holds the world record for the longest finger nails. Go here to check out the nail stats.

09.04.06

09.01.06

When you’re all Up In Da Club this weekend:

1. Buy her a drink.
2. Complement her shoes.
3. Pretend like you're listening.
4. And if there’s a lull in the conversation, throw down a little of this…

08.31.06

This is my pedestal.
When you are finished watching me be better than everyone else, could you please be sure to put me back on it.
Thanks,
Management

08.30.06

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.
Hey look, it’s a lake. So are we done here?
Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

08.29.06

HELP!
I can't tell who is more excited about joining the Le Leche League?
Go here for more baby bellies!

08.28.06

Approximately 34 pieces of flair.

08.25.06

I have very important business to attend to this afternoon, I am leaving this guy in charge of the InterWeb. Please be on your best behavior.

08.24.06

Wanna sign my crack?

Ba Dum Ching!

08.23.06

This fleurs-de-lis strap hinge, reminiscent of late 15th century iron-work found on the All Saints Church, in Lockinge, Oxfordshire, was actually templated after Dave Navarro’s facial hair.

08.22.06

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Aye luv, don't let the children play with matches... Savvy?

08.21.06

Hurrah!! WE GOT CABLE!!!!
Just thought you should know.

08.18.06

Hey, wow, this couch is super-fun and super-cushiony. Do you like the upholstery? Yea, my mom picked it out special in 1989. Ummm, I would totally make out with you, but that man over there dancing with a blow up doll is totally freaking me out.

08.17.06

Two Letters
An open letter to men who insist upon shaving their legs:

Dear Gentlemen,
Stop it!
Regards,
FOCP

An open letter to men who wear combat boots and have never been (and never will be) in the military:

Dear Gentlemen,
Stop it!
Regards,
FOCP

08.16.06

Well, we do have a few vacancies.
I suppose it’d be okay if you waited out the storm, but I’d have to ask Mother of course… A boy’s best friend is his mother you know.

Ick.

08.15.06

I think if they looked more like peanut M&Ms and less like little furry butts, I would like them more.

08.14.06

Hello Peter, Jesus here.
Why don’t you listen to me?
How many times have I told you,
NO BLUE DARTS IN HEAVEN.

08.11.06

I love lamp.

08.10.06

I think this means Lil’ Kim is still pissed at me for putting peanut butter in her favorite pair of pasties.

08.09.06

DAMNIT Percival! You have to press the middle button to turn on the subwoofer!

08.08.06

Mahana! You ugly! Come down from that rope!
But dude, seriously, your head is going to start on fire.

08.07.06

In viewing this post you will have wasted 4.25 seconds of your life.
Well done, friends. Well done!

08.04.06

For all my Chebbi Ta’s:
Whad it ta. Kappa-chow done sine your pitty on the runny kine. Cuz sepatown is Sa-da-tay my damies!!!!

For everybody else:
Have a nice weekend.

08.03.06

‘Member that one time I summered in Tahiti, and took that cooking class taught by a cabana boy… yeah, that was pretty cool.

08.02.06

No, really, your dedication is truly impressive.
Okay, we’ll see you later. Great talking to you.
Watch for those exposed rocks.

...Sigh

08.01.06

It’s an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie, yellow, GoldenGirl ZUCCHINI.
ZUCCHINI! ZUCCHINI!

07.31.06

HEY YOU!
I found your Nobletts.

07.28.06

I usually don’t pass along “these kinds” of emails, but due to its heartfelt sincerity, I felt compelled:

Dear Friends,
I am throwing a birthday party for ME, I would like you to buy ME these. Our friendship depends on it. Be a (wo)man of your word.
Regards,

I hope you can find it in your heart and wallet to grant this humble, kind, generous, tolerant boy all of his birthday wishes. God Bless

07.27.06

Take 3 middle aged men, add 5 gallons of booze, a dash of White Zombie, and garnish with a pinch of fire...

07.26.06

Two things I think you should know:
1. A credit score of no less than 300 is REQUIRED to park here.
2. Lance Bass is gay.*

*Shocking isn't it.

07.25.06

This is what my Milkshake brings to the yard.
Milkshakes are stupid.

07.24.06

No, I do not want to buy any of your magazines.
Now get off my lawn.

07.22.06

I HAVEN'T always wanted a monkie... well, at least not anymore.

07.21.06

And lo, it came to pass that it was to be a three-day weekend and there was much rejoicing… along with a few oxen, 3 sister missionaries, a jello-mold and a handcart full of NuSkin, Tahitian Noni & Xango.

Now,my brethren, go forth and multiply.

07.20.06

Sometimes, when I am feeling extreme, I won’t check for loose clothing or equipment. People think I am showing off, but really, they are just jealous.

07.19.06

“Whaaaaa????? Miss Piggy? Nip-Slip? Sweet!”

07.18.06

“BLANCHE!”
Now you say it. You’ll like it, I promise.

07.17.06

HEY YOU!
Look into the light, and I will capture your soul in my moving-picture-box. Then, as if by magic, Mary Hart & Billy Bush will share the details of your stomach stapling surgery to the world!

07.14.06

Summa Breeeeeeeeeeeze,
Makes me feel fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

07.13.06

THE POLLENATOR.

07.12.06

Multitasking*
*If you look close, you can see I am applying mascara, talking on the phone AND eating an Egg McMuffin.

07.11.06

"Did someone say Tuesday Boobday!"
"Alex, I'll take things that are fake for $1000."
"Sorry I'm late, it took me 6 minutes to zipup my fly."

In response to:
"I've been pretty much disappointed with the 4 O'Clocker for a few days now. Think:  racey...edgy...midgets...  Let's see what you can do.  Impress me."

How did I do?

07.10.06

How are we going to get all our special interest payoffs into this itty-bitty building?

07.07.06

On the farm, we didn’t have Cockadoodledoo Roosters...
We had the Silverfox Alarm Clock.
It doesn’t scare me as much as when I was a kid...
especially now that most of the soft tissue has decomposed.

07.06.06

Dear America,
Toot Toot!
Love,
China

07.05.06

"Dude, Smokey, your fire prevention skillz are off the chart. You totally deserve the spot. But seriously, if I made an exception, I’d be in a world of pain with Bambi, Sasquatch, and AT LEAST 6 of the 7 dwarfs. You’re just gonna have to find another place to put the Civic."

07.04.06

There were hotcakes & sausage.

There were fanny packs & Polygamists.

LOOKING BACK:
Last year to celebrate our nation’s birthday, I ate breakfast with the Prophet Warren Steed Jeffs*, renowned polygamist, connoisseur of link sausage and one of the FBI’s most wanted. I’m sure anything I do this July Fourth will be nothing but disappointing. Comparatively speaking, of course.
*I’m really not sure the strapping man in the blue cap is in fact the Mr. Jeffs, it may just be one of his disciples.

07.03.06

Wooo Wooo!!!!
WE’RE STREAKING!!!!
Up through the quad to the gymnasium!
Everybody’s doing it!

But really guys, who took my shell?