07.10.06

How are we going to get all our special interest payoffs into this itty-bitty building?

07.07.06

On the farm, we didn’t have Cockadoodledoo Roosters...
We had the Silverfox Alarm Clock.
It doesn’t scare me as much as when I was a kid...
especially now that most of the soft tissue has decomposed.

07.06.06

Dear America,
Toot Toot!
Love,
China

07.05.06

"Dude, Smokey, your fire prevention skillz are off the chart. You totally deserve the spot. But seriously, if I made an exception, I’d be in a world of pain with Bambi, Sasquatch, and AT LEAST 6 of the 7 dwarfs. You’re just gonna have to find another place to put the Civic."

07.04.06

There were hotcakes & sausage.

There were fanny packs & Polygamists.

LOOKING BACK:
Last year to celebrate our nation’s birthday, I ate breakfast with the Prophet Warren Steed Jeffs*, renowned polygamist, connoisseur of link sausage and one of the FBI’s most wanted. I’m sure anything I do this July Fourth will be nothing but disappointing. Comparatively speaking, of course.
*I’m really not sure the strapping man in the blue cap is in fact the Mr. Jeffs, it may just be one of his disciples.

07.03.06

Wooo Wooo!!!!
WE’RE STREAKING!!!!
Up through the quad to the gymnasium!
Everybody’s doing it!

But really guys, who took my shell?

06.30.06

It’s looks like the Silverfox will be setting up the ol’ booze-maker this year.
Let the bootleggin’ commence!

06.29.06

Due to gratuitous amounts of lycopene and lack of artificial sweeteners, parental discretion is advised.

06.28.06

YOU MUST PAY YOUR TITHING!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T PAY THE TITHE!!!!
GREAT! NOW ALL THE HYMN BOOKS ARE RUINED!!!!

06.27.06

I present to you cutting-edge fabric storage technology.
Good day.

06.26.06

Look at this incredible picture!!
And while you're doing that, I’ll be over here, stealing your stuff.

06.23.06

DON'T DRINK THE WATER!
It’s where the hobbits shave their toes.

06.22.06

I am going to need everyone to give me their chickens. How do you expect me to dance with this feather thing, if you do not give me your chickens?

06.21.06

When you wish upon a weed-star,
Makes no difference who you are,
You're probably pretty desperate.
Come on! Wishing on a weed-star! That's low.

06.20.06

Don’t feel bad, I kind of want to put a pimento in his navel too.

06.19.06

It came to pass, a lame picture was taken, and the people wept uncontrollably.

06.18.06

CELEBRATING THE SILVERFOX
Me:  "Hey dad. Happy Father's Day!"
SF:   "Thank you daughter. You are the most clever of all my children."
Me:  "Umm, yeah, well, where are you going to put it?"
SF:   "Oh, probably along with all the other gifts that won't get me drunk."

06.17.06

HEY EVERYONE, BREAKING NEWS:
Reseach has shown there really aren’t that many songs about rainbows!

06.16.06

CAKE! Everybody loves cake!
Yup, today is definitely a good day for a birthday cake.

06.15.06

“So, you think its gonna rain?”

06.14.06

FACT:
Gene Simmons has slept with 4,500 women and one Shitzu.

06.13.06

Don't be silly, of course you can borrow my anvil.
It's really not a big deal.

06.12.06

Pimp my shower.

06.09.06

Welcome to Shawshank.
If I were you, I'd grow eyes in the back of my head.

06.08.06

Evening Euphoria
Or, more commonly referred to as papaver somniferum.

06.07.06

To the poor fella who broke into my car last night at the gym:

You done got screwed!! HA! HA! Totally unrewarding, wasn’t it? Kind of like being behind Whitney Houston at a crack buffet. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy using my credit card. With a $500 limit, the opportunies are endless. You could build your VERY OWN meth lab. Or maybe invest in a couple of cheap whores, whom you can impress with my 1998 analog NOKIA brick phone. You may want to toss the Tupperware of half eaten oatmeal before it starts to smell; and the mascara in my makeup bag, it is old. DON”T USE IT. You’ll get a fungus.

Well, thanks for leaving the Kenny Chesney CD and Armor-All Wipes. Sorry I didn’t have cooler stuff. I’ll try harder next time.
West Side Pride 4-eva’

FOCP

P.S. The coupons for laundry detergent and tampons (in the pink wallet behind the Fresh Value card) expire today, so you’ll want to get after that. Oh, and contrary to my drivers license picture, I’m not Jessica Alba’s (HOTTER) younger sister. No, don’t feel silly, I get that, A LOT.

06.06.06

FOUR O'CLOCK PHOTO BORDER PATROL:
This one is for keeping the Wyomin’s out of the sheep.

06.05.06

If you can’t hide it, accessorize it… Preferably with glitter and beads.
For more PRIDE go here!

06.04.06

Ketchup.
Mustard.

06.02.06

An exposé of Idaho’s* illicit breeding practices.
* That’s where the tots come from.

06.01.06

JUST LEAVES?!?!?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
They are Wicking Leaves, with patented Advanced Moisture Wicking Technology and a Dri-release Mesophyll Protection Shell!!!!!

05.31.06

What not to say:
“Chickity china the Chinese chicken.”
“Me racist? No way, I have friends who are ninjas.”
“Where’s my fortune cookie?”

05.30.06

“Yo’ Annie-Mary! I needs me some of them dried mutton sinews, and this here covered wagon sure ain’t gonna pull itself. Giddy-up woman. Jedidiah done loves his’self some dried mutton sinews. MmmmMmmm.”

05.29.06

If ever you find yourself hiking 11 miles in the rain & mud to get to the top of a mountain and when you get there you discover a paved road, a parking lot and a FunBus full of old people with umbrellas, white canvas sneakers and ponchos… Boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

05.26.06

This is the wire we use to steal Cable from our neighbors.

05.25.06

Dear Mr. Street Sign Writer,
Might I suggest a lorazepam, bupropion, mirtazapine cocktail and a lithium chaser.
Best of luck,
FOCP

05.24.06

Smelly pee, smelly pee.
What are they feeding you?

05.23.06

“Yo G, you packin’ today?
“Yeah dogg. PB & J and a pudding cup. What you got?”
“Regurgitated worm and some cricket guts.”

05.22.06

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home.
This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.
And this little piggy cried “Hey! Does anybody else smell bacon?”

05.20.06

It's a close up of my skin.

05.16.06

"Golly Cletus you sure done got the brains in the family, but now how we gonna keep the Pabst cold?"

05.18.06

WAGON WHEELS AND FOILAGE!
WAGON WHEELS AND FOILAGE!
Come get your wagon wheels and foliage!
Low APR financing available…

What? You haven’t got a wagon? Are you retarded?

05.17.06

I think a good way to keep mosquitoes away when you are walking through an alfalfa field is to carry a big bag of blood.

05.16.06

IN A VAN. DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Nothing beats a Swisher Sweet (aka Beverly Blunt) except for maybe a pudding pop and licking a skunks bumhole.

05.15.06

Remember that time I posted a picture of tree?
That kind of sucked, huh.

You know what else sucks?
Having to sit in an emergency room for three hours with your intern because you found her passed out in the parking lot.

Good times.

05.12.06

Hola, me llamo es Rod Stewart, yo quiero uno Jr. Crown and dos Chicken Gyros por favor.

YES! I’m infatuated with dogs in cars, this is merely a cry for help.

05.11.06

Stop! Behold the random sources of light.

05.10.06

This one time, when I was working for National Geographic, I went to Africa and floated down the Congo River. The money was good, but I got sick of constantly risking life and limb just to “get the shot.” I find sitting in front of a computer for 9+ hours a day just as thrilling and way more rewarding.
* I totally deserve a cupcake AND a gold star for this!

05.09.06

Moore Four O'Clock Flowers.