07.31.06

HEY YOU!
I found your Nobletts.

07.28.06

I usually don’t pass along “these kinds” of emails, but due to its heartfelt sincerity, I felt compelled:

Dear Friends,
I am throwing a birthday party for ME, I would like you to buy ME these. Our friendship depends on it. Be a (wo)man of your word.
Regards,

I hope you can find it in your heart and wallet to grant this humble, kind, generous, tolerant boy all of his birthday wishes. God Bless

07.27.06

Take 3 middle aged men, add 5 gallons of booze, a dash of White Zombie, and garnish with a pinch of fire...

07.26.06

Two things I think you should know:
1. A credit score of no less than 300 is REQUIRED to park here.
2. Lance Bass is gay.*

*Shocking isn't it.

07.25.06

This is what my Milkshake brings to the yard.
Milkshakes are stupid.

07.24.06

No, I do not want to buy any of your magazines.
Now get off my lawn.

07.22.06

I HAVEN'T always wanted a monkie... well, at least not anymore.

07.21.06

And lo, it came to pass that it was to be a three-day weekend and there was much rejoicing… along with a few oxen, 3 sister missionaries, a jello-mold and a handcart full of NuSkin, Tahitian Noni & Xango.

Now,my brethren, go forth and multiply.

07.20.06

Sometimes, when I am feeling extreme, I won’t check for loose clothing or equipment. People think I am showing off, but really, they are just jealous.

07.19.06

“Whaaaaa????? Miss Piggy? Nip-Slip? Sweet!”

07.18.06

“BLANCHE!”
Now you say it. You’ll like it, I promise.

07.17.06

HEY YOU!
Look into the light, and I will capture your soul in my moving-picture-box. Then, as if by magic, Mary Hart & Billy Bush will share the details of your stomach stapling surgery to the world!

07.14.06

Summa Breeeeeeeeeeeze,
Makes me feel fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

07.13.06

THE POLLENATOR.

07.12.06

Multitasking*
*If you look close, you can see I am applying mascara, talking on the phone AND eating an Egg McMuffin.

07.11.06

"Did someone say Tuesday Boobday!"
"Alex, I'll take things that are fake for $1000."
"Sorry I'm late, it took me 6 minutes to zipup my fly."

In response to:
"I've been pretty much disappointed with the 4 O'Clocker for a few days now. Think:  racey...edgy...midgets...  Let's see what you can do.  Impress me."

How did I do?

07.10.06

How are we going to get all our special interest payoffs into this itty-bitty building?

07.07.06

On the farm, we didn’t have Cockadoodledoo Roosters...
We had the Silverfox Alarm Clock.
It doesn’t scare me as much as when I was a kid...
especially now that most of the soft tissue has decomposed.

07.06.06

Dear America,
Toot Toot!
Love,
China

07.05.06

"Dude, Smokey, your fire prevention skillz are off the chart. You totally deserve the spot. But seriously, if I made an exception, I’d be in a world of pain with Bambi, Sasquatch, and AT LEAST 6 of the 7 dwarfs. You’re just gonna have to find another place to put the Civic."

07.04.06

There were hotcakes & sausage.

There were fanny packs & Polygamists.

LOOKING BACK:
Last year to celebrate our nation’s birthday, I ate breakfast with the Prophet Warren Steed Jeffs*, renowned polygamist, connoisseur of link sausage and one of the FBI’s most wanted. I’m sure anything I do this July Fourth will be nothing but disappointing. Comparatively speaking, of course.
*I’m really not sure the strapping man in the blue cap is in fact the Mr. Jeffs, it may just be one of his disciples.

07.03.06

Wooo Wooo!!!!
WE’RE STREAKING!!!!
Up through the quad to the gymnasium!
Everybody’s doing it!

But really guys, who took my shell?